Omg….what’s different? Why does everything feel so different? I’m sure many of you have asked yourself this, or messaged me and asked me. Hence why I am writing this. It’s called the “new” wearing off.
Not everyone is the same and that’s what keeps life flavorful, right? Some people are die hard, “express” themselves to their people and others, not so much. It doesn’t mean you have any less value to them, it just means that’s how they are.
I always try to keep my kinky relationships new and fresh by doing what I can to let the person in charge of the relationship know I value them and all they do for me. It’s how I show them they are an important piece of my life. I like to dote on them and tell them all the positive things I like. In other words, I like to gas them up. What better way to let someone know they are giving you what you need?
Show Your D- what you can do
There are many things you can do for D type people to show care that doesn’t cost a lot of money, requires words or include sex. They are human, at the end of the day, right? Women like to be thought of. Women like attention and adoration. Women are soft and all women like to be shown care from any type of partner.
Learn something new– making impact toys is a great skill and they make great gifts for your person.
Learn to build things, draw, paint anything creative that shows time and a personal touch. People like personalized things. It shows you have taken time to think about them.
Educate yourself –Express interest in a subject you both can discuss- that keeps conversation alive and going. Read and don’t stop learning. D- people like someone that can hold a meaningful conversation. No-one wants to be with a dumbass. At least I don’t.
Benjamins BABY- If you feel like dropping cash – take your person for pedicures or nails….ALL women love that. It’s personal and shows you value their hard work even if their job doesn’t. But only do stuff like that if you are in a position to spend. If you can’t spend don’t put yourself in the hole. If a person cares about you, that’s not why they are with you. If it is, you should be wise enough to know.
Subbie People Need Love Too
It’s not all on the submissive person to always do. Which I think too often in our culture that is what people expect. Expectations are foolish and they set you up for a long term resentment.
Subs are human just like you and need to feel a similar love and care. They may not need the same TYPE of care, because the mental need in each role is FAR different. I wrote a whole page about that a few months ago. There are a lot of folks into praise kink. They just like hearing they are doing a good job serving you. Those little names and pats on the back go a long way. Most subbie people just need that. The light affection and words give them a warm fuzzy feeling. Cause no-one wants to do and feel like they are getting no-where. At least I don’t think they do.
Now What ?
So the new is wearing off and your subbie isn’t doing as much anymore, what do you do? You’re the one in charge! Express the things you like and I can guarantee they will give you more of that again. Submissive people naturally like to please, even if they are dominant in vanilla life.
Dominant women become dominant by having to care for other people in various avenues, maybe family, work, or sick friends. They take on responsibilities in life and with responsibility comes power. But 9 out of 10 times it is for reasons that end in providing for someone else. That is the natural flow of pleasing they grow to crave. Most of the time these daunting real life responsibilities are unappreciated and thankless. Subbie women are pretty open to accept ANY positive feedback. But that is the key word. Everyone wants to feel important and valued in a relationship of any type, not a second disposable toy. Any time I gave a subbie (back in the day) feedback on our relationship or situation, I always tried to give it with a single positive, cause that’s the type of care women need. One thing my mother taught me is how to care for ALL women, subbies or Doms. I don’t have much experience with men to give appropriate advice. A few words go a long way, remembering important things, paying attention and expressing that your person is pleasing you is a pretty good start.
I Think It’s Me
So, you feel like you are not pleasing your D, cause they don’t say the same things they did in the beginning or they scene with other people, or you feel like you’re not doing enough? Truth is, if you are that concerned about it, then you are probably doing more than enough. You just may be with the type of person that doesn’t say things as often as you like. It doesn’t mean they don’t think it and it doesn’t mean you aren’t doing enough or are not good enough. Some people are just like that. The new wears off and this is normal life for them. You have a choice to continue or not. You can’t change anyone and it really isn’t fair or conducive to ask someone to change. Would you like someone to ask you to change your core make-up?
A lot of people in this life style look at a scene as just that, a scene. It’s not the same as a Ds relationship. HOWEVER, if it bothers you, you can express it and hope it changes or leave. I never look at it for more than what it is and you shouldn’t either. I could honestly beat anyone, but I couldn’t give “intimacy” to just anyone. Intimacy is simply closeness with another human. I look at time, moments, and affection as the value in the relationship. Most people in this life have unconventional and untraditional relationships and you have to be prepared for that. If you can’t handle it, find a vanilla partner who likes kinky sex. It’s easier than you think. Everyone likes a freak in bed, even vanilla people. That may be more what you are looking for and that’s ok. But, with that, don’t expect a vanilla person to call you Mistress or beat the ever loving shit out of you….and if you get them to that place, remember, you can’t put parameters on their new lifestyle…so tread with caution, you just may get what you asked for.
How Do You Deal?
You just have to remember that life is life. Things grow, things fade and the only constant factor is change. You can do your part to keep your relationship new and fresh and that’s it. You can’t do more than that. You have to learn the type of person you are dealing with and determine if that’s something you can deal with long term.
Ask yourself this, is your person going to be able to give you the things that fill you? You don’t have to know the answer to that right away. You really don’t have to know the answer 6 months or a year from now. Learning people takes more than a month or two. Learning to be with someone takes time, effort and patience on both ends. What you can decide is if that person is worth learning.
Communicate and express how you feel. If you are on the opposite end and someone is expressing themselves to you, value it and be receptive. It’s ok to have needs but remember sometimes perception can be skewed. Life gets in the way, that’s a fact, but remember, small things can go very far. Some people look for small things to feel that they are giving you what you need. Without that, they may not know and might give up, especially if they feel you aren’t being satisfied. So really you are hurting yourself. No-one wants to work towards an unavailable or unattainable goal. Only crazy people want things that are not available. We are not crazy, right? Safe – Sane- Consensual
Treat each other with love and respect. That’s pretty standard. Pay attention to your person, express what you need and don’t like, but don’t forget to express what you do like. Don’t let life get so much in the way you don’t take the time to show or tell someone you care about them.
I always say, tomorrow is not promised, treasure the moments, people and things you have in your life, you never know when you may wake up and it will all be gone. I learned that the hard way with someone I loved very much. 20 years down the road, not a day goes by that I don’t think about her or wonder what I could have done differently while she was alive. Sadly, life happens, and tomorrow may not always come to give you a second chance…leave on a good note. Being right doesn’t always mean you are happy.
You guys keep giving me great topics. My new life has been getting in the way of my writing and computer issues. Well, really user error. I’ll have more by Monday…I am writing this while serving shots of tequila and cupcake rose to vanilla bridesmaids…I would love to top/beat them all…tears….I want their tears…the laughter is making me cringe.