All Things Kink

I have not been diving deep into my inboxes on all of my various accounts, because I am not perfect and sometimes it takes me on a power trip of Domination, I get a little too into. Sorry fellas, you bring something out in me. Some ladies do as well. However, to my delight and surprise I discovered I have tons of messages from you all asking me for insight and topics. I’ll be honest, I was a little surprised. I am the Queen of second guessing myself, something I am hoping to improve on.

Every Sunday I am going to take time to dedicate a post inspired by the suggestions of you all. Seeing as this is for you, not me. I will be having a lot more time in coming the next few weeks. It has taken a ton of reassurance, but life changes are being made, so I can put more time into these things I enjoy so much. That is what life is about, living. Strange how another person’s insight can open up new windows and ideas. That is how I have come the decision to move forward with things here.

I promise I am not a cheater, I am a faithful type of woman, however, I do write occasionally for another site unrelated to here. As a matter of fact, it is geared towards vanilla heterosexual couples, in regard to love and relationships. Yes, pseudo name and all, not up for discussion. What better way for a man to learn to properly care for the emotional needs of a woman, than through the experience of a woman? Not that they know my gender. One of my readers there asked me a kink question on the topic of trust. I forwarded him to our neck of the woods. I am choosing this topic tonight because I have also had several other people on all my various accounts ask me the same question, worded different.

How Do I “Make” My Sub Trust Me?

The very first problem with the above sentence, is the action verb. You cannot make anyone feel something they do not want to feel. You can physically force anything, however what someone else thinks, feels and their view on life is nothing you can force change. You can encourage a change in thought with positive reinforcement. Positive reinforcement goes a long way, with EVERYONE. This is not only true for animals and children.

Build Confidence In The Dynamic/Relationship

This is definitely a two-way street. Both partners should be actively working on building a sense of safety and security in the relationship. I am going to use the word relationship, because that covers the dual interaction of two humans. How two human beings relate to each other. When I say build confidence, it doesn’t particularly mean dote over how attractive you think your person is or how bad you want to fuck them. Of course, that is flattering but can also be empty and off putting to woman. It is a statement geared towards physical connection. Women enjoy physical connection just like men, but as I often say women require an emotional stimulation to reach the height of the physical. This is a scientific fact and a subject I have deeply researched.

Give A Little, Get a Baseline

If a submissive doesn’t feel comfortable expressing their concerns and they are not very vocal about things, I would suggest “giving them something”. Give that person a little detail about you and your mental make-up. Maybe share details of yourself that are on the more vulnerable side. I am NOT saying give everything away and dump your suitcase, but give a little, so they feel comfortable opening up. In order to effectively and “morally” (i use that term loosely) dominate a person you have to get to know them on a personal level. Granted you can do a “scene” with anyone, but even that is dicey if you have no idea what makes them, them. I know I often have word vomit, when I do finally feel comfortable opening up parts of myself to someone, because I RARELY do. My submissive side is my secret side. Then I stress and worry I overshared, or it was too much. To avoid that, just give a little. The person you are interacting with will very likely feel a sense of relief. Vulnerability is a scary thing to some of us. Especially when you are dealing with power play. If a person wants to give you submission, they have a sense of admiration for you and don’t want to disappoint you, in whatever scope that is.

Value what is given. When you are given intimate information, use it as a baseline to help better your person. The information and insight should be used as a tool for positive growth, not ammunition, intimidation or abuse.

That also goes both ways. I always say it is about both humans involved. If the person Dominating you is giving you insight, respect and treasure that. The goal is to be of better service to the person in charge of the relationship aka Dom, seeing as they are also giving you the things you crave and need. It isn’t easy to just happen upon such a gift, so treat it as such. In both roles, there are things inside us we may not be able to see. The idea is to complement each other’s strengths and build them up. Build each other up- become the best version and rendition possible.

Back Up What You Like

Now that the insight and emotional plane is open, it is time to “slide on in” to the affirmation of the aspects you enjoy. If you have submissive constantly making various, obvious attempts to gain your approval, let them know that you see it, and value it, so you can have more of that. Clearly, they think you deserve it, so help them give it to you. Who would want to continue to work towards a goal that seems unattainable? A person with common sense will give up and find that approval somewhere else.

I have played on both sides of the power play spectrum. If I feel I am not able to give a Dominant what they want or need, I will feel like it is pointless, and I am wasting my time and theirs. No matter what role I fall into with someone, I will always feel my time and efforts are valuable and should be respected. No-one wants to look like an idiot (even if you are into humiliation and degradation) and I am sure no-one wants to be running around wasting their time doing meaningless acts of non-sense for a person that is not receptive. I asked quite a few subs the same thing and they all agreed.

Dominants like to hear the same affirmations submissive people do. Because sometimes there are those questions “Am I doing this right?” “Is this, ok?” “Am I giving them what they need?” “Am I taking them too far” “Do they really enjoy this or are they just trying to satisfy my needs or please me?” “Am I being fair to this person?” Frequently these are thoughts, opposed to a vocal statements. I have asked myself similar questions many times with past subs, so it was always reassuring to know that I was pushing, guiding, hurting, and caring them in the right direction.

Back to the physical, kinky stuff aside, women like to feel they are attractive and their efforts to appear in such a way are seen. When a woman is going out of her way to look cute for you, let them know you see it. Come on peeps…. use your head, they are MOST LIKELY doing it for your approval and attention, no-one else.

I would always ask my subbie girls for pictures in clothes I chose for them, or I ask for pictures with certain panties/bras of my choosing on certain days. This was NOT for sexual reasons, believe it or not. Of course, I love sexy pictures, but there is a much larger plane. I start there is because it shows that I find them desirable, and worth looking at (builds their confidence in my approval and a Doms approval is like gold to a sub), it is an assertion of dominance in their life on a regular basis, and it gets them used to following direction. It is a relatively easy way to start out. I follow with great appreciation. When I give my next direction, they are much more at ease, especially if I am asking for something larger. My next request may be for them to interact a specific way with me when we go out. These small things prepare for them for the big things, depending on the nature of your relationship with that person. There is no shock or distress when I ask for something more vulnerable, something that requires a degree of humility or sexuality, or a combination of all three. They are conditioned to do what is asked because they are comfortable and feel secure in my desire for their submission. Does that make sense? Plus, if you don’t feel that a person finds you somewhat desirable why would you feel ok doing vulnerable things?

Say What You Mean and Mean What You Say

I think the most disappointing thing in any dynamic is when you are taking someone for their word, and they leave you hanging. If you say you are going to do something, do it. If you say you are going to be there, be there. If you are unsure, then don’t make the commitment. It is not that difficult to say, ” I am not sure I will be able to ….., however, once I know for sure, I can give you an answer.” SIMPLE. Not fulfilling your word is a fast and easy way to break whatever trust you have built with your sub. This is a relationship that is built on power, control, and trust. When your subbie leans on you, because YOU HAVE BUILT THEM THAT WAY, or taught them to do such and you break your word it is very hurtful, disappointing and very difficult to rectify. Things in life happen and that is to be expected. Just be mindful of what you say and make sure you can actually follow through.

That also goes for both roles. If you agree to follow certain instructions given by your Dom, then do it. If you don’t feel comfortable or you feel uneasy about the direction, express that concern and work it out. Remember when you start to dig deeper into these games and dynamics, you may be asked to do things that are uncomfortable, or you may not “want” to do. I don’t want to get off topic into consent and all that. But that’s down the line when the bond and trust is formed. You very likely will be asked to do things that are strictly in service to your Dom or things to help make you a better person. It is VERY natural to want to resist. That is VERY normal in the beginning when you are being directed to do things. You might even debate with yourself about it and struggle. If you verbally agree to do something, make sure you are really going to do it. It is hurtful and disappointing to a Dom when the sub doesn’t hold up their end of the deal. The Dom is giving you their time and attention, so follow through with the terms you agreed to.

Another unsuspected way to shake the trust factor is not following through with corrective action. If a sub is told that a negative consequence will happen if a rule or an agreement is broken, it needs to happen. No-one can follow every set of rules to perfect adherence, and punishment and discipline is part of this lifestyle. It is what it is. I think we were all aware of this before we stepped in, am I right? So, it is expected and anticipated that there will be negative consequences for undesirable behavior. I have spoken to many subs, and everyone has a very similar opinion. When the Dom does not follow through it can make the sub feel neglected, not cared for and the trust of the Dom being in charge of different facets of their relationship is jolted. That is not as detrimental as other things, because there is care involved and some subs are cute when they are bad and smooth talkers. Letting things slide here and there (still not suggested) is much different than no follow through. Consistency is an important part of the baseline of trust, stability, and security.

Off The Subject? I Think Not

There is no way to make someone trust you. Doing little things that are worthy of trust can help develop the bond and security. This is a very mental/headspace type of relationship. Playing with power and control is showing private, vulnerable pieces of yourself to your partner on both sides.

I have done a lot of research to better understand my own mind, and I have read many modern essays on the brain’s hormone production during scenes of domination and submission. More times than less, in these studies the submissive person is not typically like that in everyday life or only interact in a submissive way with certain people. They are dominant personalities with high levels of cortisol (stress) and testosterone (dominance-yes in females as well). This is not EVERYONE, but in the various studies I have read, it is a majority. A person with that personality type engaging in submission, is in most cases giving a part of themself in a way the vanilla, everyday world will never get to see. That is to be valued, respected and treated with care.

The same studies revealed very different results for those playing a dominant role. Again, this was the majority, not everyone. They had significantly lower levels of cortisol and testosterone. The testosterone (dominance hormone) levels increased dramatically during the scene, in females the levels were at their height when giving verbal direction and orders. At the end the levels quickly dropped. During aftercare the levels dropped even lower than before the scene. This where people miss the mark. If a person is Topping, they need to feel the same level of trust as well. I wouldn’t feel comfortable beating someone I did not trust. Who knows what kind of crazy shit could happen. My luck, I would get sued or arrested.

These different scenarios and scenes allow us to escape from the stress of daily life and divulge into our secret or not so secret wants and desires and having a partner you can trust is critical to emotional and physical safety. Sometimes things get hot, heavy and lines can be blurred. Trust ensures lines don’t get crossed and the mental space can be kept.

Simple Steps To Build On

Knowing your sub or Dom and learning the things that are special and important to them makes them feel confident in your intentions for them, which is a building block of trust.

Knowing how to care for your person on an ongoing basis, builds and strengthens the bond. I frequently say I think the Dom gets neglected sometimes, because in a lot (not all) of situations the focus is geared all toward the submissives wants and needs. I started off in a dominant role, so I guess it’s still engrained in me make things special or exciting for the person I vibe with. My point is, its mutual. When a person feels cared for that opens windows for trust to flow in. Be vocal about your appreciation for the things your person does, Top or bottom.

Keep your word and your end of any agreement. Follow through with what you say, even if it is a negative repercussion of an undesirable deed. Toughen up-butter cup, the sub will live and be glad you did.

Don’t judge, keep your persons secrets, listen and uplift—never pity.

Those are pretty basic things that can ASSIST in building trust. Time, patience and understanding helps everything develop. There are some people we will dive in headfirst with and there are those we proceed cautiously with. That may or may not be good, but it’s life. There is no promise that we won’t get hurt, there is no protocol to follow to avoid meeting assholes, it is bound to happen. However, start small, one foot in front of the other, one handcuff on each wrist, if you make a mistake try to fix it, and don’t repeat it. These are pretty basic guidelines to life.

My biggest suggestion is don’t try to force anything. This lifestyle and the things we do can be addicting, different, evolving, exciting, demanding, satisfying and sometimes confusing. Take it easy, don’t try to force information, love, acts, submission or dominance out of people and be patient and understanding as they progress to a place where they choose to GIVE you pieces of them. Don’t overthink your bond with a person. If a connection is present, it is present, so keep it in the PRESENT. We develop, we grow, we learn and in comfort, trust is born. Good things are worth patience and effort. Effort is a two-way street; submission is a gift and Dominance is a treasure and with both you have balance.