So, you have a new sub! Now, what to do ?

So, you have a new pet! Now, what do you do with them?

Now, here is where the fun begins! You have a brand new, willing and eager submissive, other than fuck their brains out, what do you do? As a Dominant partner, you have a lot on your shoulders. What you say or do could make or break your brand new submissive. It’s ok, we are here to walk you through the process.

Even the most experienced Dommes get nervous and have butterflies in their stomach when they stumble across a new playmate. These are normal feelings, to be expected. You may be a Domme, but you are still human, after all. Who wouldn’t be taken aback by a sexy human slave bending to your every desire, practically willing to do anything to satify you?

First things first, the courtship:

The thrill of kinky sex, pain and pleasure, can get in the way of the main ideal of this type of relationship. Your role as a Domme is to build your new plaything into the very best version of themselves. Your submissive is more than likely looking at you with more admiration than you can possibly imagine. Your submissive chose you, not just for your looks, but because they saw qualities in you, they looked up to. Submission is the biggest gift that can be given. It is your responsibility to care for them, guide them and help them radiate all the positive qualities you see in them. The nature of your situation is irrelevant. If a person is giving you their submission, you are more than friends with benefits.

As you know, these types of relationships are built on trust. The best way to build trust in the beginning is to be open about yourself, your situation and what you are looking for. By doing this the submissive knows what they are stepping into. You can’t get without giving. Be open and honest when sharing things about yourself. This emotional intimacy allows the submissive to relax. Reinforce the fact that you are not judging them when they share things about themselves. You would be blind to say you know don’t know the kind of world we live in today. Not everyone has a picture-perfect past and often times submissives are reluctant to share intimate details about their past, due to fear of abandonment and judgement. Some may come from abusive relationships or tattered backgrounds. As they open up, assure them there is no judgement and their past does not define them. Being open about your own life allows them to be open about theirs. Actively listen and ask questions. Engaging in the conversation is the best way to get to know your sub. Yes, it takes work, but well worth it.

Build your sub up

In the beginning this is extremely important. Simply getting to know someone is not enough to build the type of trust needed for this lifestyle. Your new pet is going to be giving themselves to you in a very vulnerable way. Depending on your wants and needs, this vulnerability can be seen as humiliating, or degrading (Vanilla people may see it as negative. We kinksters find it beautiful and sexy!). Part of getting your subbie to that point is building their trust through confidence. The submissive needs to know YOU find them desirable and attractive. Would you want to lay over someone’s lap for a spanking if you were unsure of the spanker’s feelings? It isn’t only about the submissive worshipping and admiring you. As I said earlier, you have to give to get. Tell your submissive they are sexy and beautiful, frequently. That will make them confident in your desire for them and make them more relaxed when the time comes to push their limits. A creative way to show your sexual interest is to ask them for sexy pictures, wearing specific outfits tailored to your wants. Not only does it make them feel secure, but it also asserts your dominance early on, by getting them to comply to your wants. Tasks such as this, gets the submissive used to following directions. Don’t forget to compliment and gush over them for following your commands.

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Now that you’re in, set your expectations

After the trust and confidence is built, it is time to set your ground rules and expectations. Even if you are in a new relationship, poly situation or part time relationship, these expectations still need to be set. As the Dominant partner you are looking for the respect and dedication of your submissive. The submissive can’t give that to you effectively without rules and boundaries. If there are no rules, then there is really no point in the BDSM relationship, you may as well just be bedroom buddies. If you are on this site, I am pretty sure you are looking for more than just a freaky lay. As a Domme, you may not know this, but a submissive needs, wants and craves rules from their Dominant. Letting the sub know what you expect of them is a phenomenal way to assert your dominance in their life. It also set the foundation for the respect you desire.

Believe it or not, the rules and boundaries continue to build the trust. The submissive is trusting the rules of the Dominant to help guide them in their day-to-day life. Just because the relationship is new, doesn’t mean rules don’t need to be in place. As a matter of fact, in the beginning is when boundaries need to be created. Some Dommes want their submissives to keep a daily journal writing down their thoughts, dreams, aspirations and of course sexual fantasies. This journal is also a great tool for getting to know your sub on a deeper level and for helping them become the best version of themselves. You could request your sub ask permission to masturbate. In a new relationship, this is another great way to slightly humiliate your submissive, and the mental aspect of knowing they have to ask if they are allowed to have sexual release is very erotic for the sub. The control over their body makes them feel more submissive to you. As a Domme your rules are in place to shape the submissive into your desires. Never try to change a submissive, they are still a human being, however, rules are a great way to eliminate undesirable behaviors. If you are against smoking, drinking or use of foul langue and your submissive agrees to quit, put that in your rules. You could have the submissive do a certain grooming routine prior to your visits, such as shaving, douching and an enema. If you have a submissive with self-esteem issues, you could make them stand naked in front of the mirror and say “I am beautiful” out loud. Of course, with such tasks a picture for proof, seals the deal. Being on time for visits can also be a rule. It pushes the fact that you and your time is to be respected. Many Dommes do not allow their submissives to eat or drink unhealthy things without permission. However, tread lightly until you are fully aware of any self-image issues your submissive may have. Also, not regularly taking prescription medication like they should, could also be in your rules. Anything that will cause the submissive harm or that is a reckless behavior should be included in every Dommes rulebook. Because if something happens and the submissive is harmed, who will serve the Domme? Express how selfish that would be of the sub. Express how sad and hurt you would be if something happened to them. The bounds are endless. It may take thought, creativity, effort and time, but this aspect is imperative to the foundation of the Domme/sub dynamic. Remember, rules make a submissive feel safe, secure and cared for.

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Lay down the law: Mean what you say and say what you mean!

Punishment and discipline! There is a difference between the two. Discipline is training that corrects and molds. The rules are a form of discipline. Discipline is also used during training when you are pushing your submissives limits. During training you are molding your sub to fit your sexual and emotional desires. A good example is making a submissive wake up early in order to text you good morning. Another example is the submissive be naked and on their knees without you having to ask, prior to engaging in sexual activities.

Punishment is the consequence of not following the rules or daily disciplines in place. Punishment can range from orgams denial, spanking, corner time, essay writing, and so forth, be creative.

Punishments are for the submissives own good. Even if they seem to not be enjoying it, they probably are. Submissives love attention from their Domme, even at times if it is negative. Not that they enjoy displeasing their Domme, most hate it. However, that type of attention shows them that what they do is important to the Domme and it makes them feel cared for and secure. It also is effective in correcting potentially harmful behaviors. A submissive may not even realize what they are doing is hurting themselves, until you put them over your knee. Punishments also build trust. The submissive is trusting you to handle them in a way that is appropriate, and even if you are angry or upset, you still care for them and will not cause them harm. Showing them pain or discomfort without harm can strengthen the connection.

Stick to your guns, this is very important early on. This sets the foundation for the entire relationship. Do not let a cute subbie give you pouty lips and talk you out of the punishment. If you set a rule and they break it enforce the consequence. In the beginning your submissive will probably test the boundaries to see how far they can get, or they just want to know what would happen if they broke the rule. Make sure you show them. If you let your sub continue to break rules and walk all over you, then who is really the submissive? You or them? Don’t be afraid to punish them. When a person enters this type of relationship, it is expected that misdeeds come with consequences. Often times, a submissive first punishment will bring you closer together. Administering the consequence in an intimate setting shows the submissive they are more than just sex or an escape from your vanilla/home life. The time invested in correcting a negative or undesirable behavior shows the submissive you care about what happens to them, the choices they make or can enforce the fact you are molding them for long term use.

Reward the good with good!

When your submissive goes out of their way to follow the rules or please you, show them how much you value that. In new relationships, there are wide ranges of emotions both partners are experiencing. This is even more of a factor when your partner punishes you and lays out rules. It is equally as taxing on the Domme who gets pleasure from this type of control. You don’t have to reward a sub with a barbie dream house, car and white picket fence in the first week, a simple ” thank you” or “good girl” can go a very long way for a submissive. Subbies delight in pleasing their Dommes. There are so many ways to show your good girl or boy how much you appreciate them. Taking the time to massage their body after a hard day’s work or make them a nice warm bubble bath are great ways to reward good behavior. If you haven’t allowed you pet to have sexual release and they complied and didn’t sneak in any orgasms, you could reward them with oral sex. More than sex, subbies (females) enjoy the attention, time and affection from their Dommes. Even a walk in the park or snuggling with them on the couch shows them you appreciate their submission and shows them they are worthy of your time. As I mentioned before submission is the greatest gift a person can give. What may seem like something as simple as a compliment, can have a dramatic impact on the bond you and your submissive share.

Relax, take a breath and enjoy the gift of submission

Enjoy the excitement and thrill of your new situation. Remember anything worth having takes patience and hard work. If you are having a slow start or are nervous, don’t beat yourself up or overthink it. Your person is with you because they see something beautiful and special inside you. There will always be learning curves and tribulations in anything new. If you notice, the main value in every single topic I covered, was trust. Once the foundation of trust is established anything is possible. You may be able to do things you never thought possible, as long as you have that person helping guide you as well. As I mentioned twice, this is a two-way street. If you feel lost or confused, ask your partner for help. Even if they are your submissive, they can still help guide you in some respects. A partnership is about two people working together to achieve a common goal. Just because you have the title of Domme, doesn’t mean you have to live up to any set standard. Relax and enjoy your new partner. Best of luck to you and yours in all your kinky endeavors!

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