Well, well, here we are again, in my kinky mind. I am very sick this evening, my Florida blood is not used to this bipolar weather. I guess I will start tonight off with a little story about how I came to be in kink.
Many moons ago, when I was an adolescent (that’s my nice way of not disclosing exactly how young I was) I met a beautiful, charming, gangster who was much older than I. She swept me right off my feet. I knew she could do things my high school girlfriend couldn’t. The very first day I met her, she had me.
It’s funny looking back on the situation. Truly dominant people can tell from their first meet with me, that I am a sub at heart. It’s something in the way the speak to me, it’s the way they ask me questions, do things for me and interact with me as a whole. They just know.
Just like she did. She had me following her around like a puppy dog the first day. I wanted to please her. I practically gave up my entire life for this much older woman. This relationship continued until I was actually old enough to pursue it. I moved away from home just so I could be with her. She introduced me to the mechanics of submission, full time D/s, power exchange and heavy impact. She owned every ounce of me. I thought I would be with her until the day I died. Well, she would probably die first, seeing as she is about 20 years older than me. I dreamed of being in service to her forever. I truly thought I was in love.
Things were very intense (most things with me are) and unfortunately short lived. She shattered my subbie heart into pieces. From that moment on, I vowed to never be a sub again. I decided I would never allow someone to have that type of hold on me. I was heartbroken. I started frequenting the local dungeons in Florida, back then you only had to be 18, especially because there was no alcohol. I watched everything and took as many classes as I could to build my own foundation of kink. I soaked up as much as possible.
I knew vanilla wasn’t for me, so the only other option was to be a Mistress. I call it “Mini-Mistress” cause I was so fucking young. The funny thing is, looking back, I followed all of the older Mistresses around just like a sub. They liked having me around and I enjoyed the attention they gave me. It helped me feel loved and get over the heartache.
I started topping men for heavy impact and humiliation scenes. To this day I love a good humiliation scene, on either side of the slash. Things were a lot looser back then and the levels to the scenes were what fantasies were made of. I became a walking fantasy, not a pathetic teary eyed little girl begging her Domme not to leave. People worshipped the ground I walked on an I loved it. I realized I truly enjoyed the power involved with being a top. People lined up to scene with me. No intercourse, just a scene. At 18, I had no idea what to do with power like that and it could have been a total train wreck. The older Mistresses taught me that power like that is not to be taken lightly and it is to be treated with great care. I listened when they said that. I took stock in every single thing they taught me in regard to the emotional aspects that accompany the types of heavy scenes I was dabbling in. I wanted to be everything my first suitor was not. I still vow to be that. I vow to be everything my past partners have not been.
Honestly, all of my experiences as a sub have been truly heartbreaking as a whole. More often than not people forget they are merely wielding power. They only hold precedent to their boundaries. The subs boundaries do not matter. There is no meeting in the middle for the sub, they merely get what they get, and they are forced to just accept or have nothing. Please save the comments saying, “well that’s not true.” No, it may not be true for you or even as a whole, but for me, that is my truth and my experience. MOST of my experiences as a sub have left me heartbroken and I watch these things happen to other subs all the time. But that’s all relationships, right? The only difference is we just play with power and control.
I took my topping a little further and started taking on subs, I took on male subs for humiliation, service and impact (always much older than me- age gaps are a HUGE kink of mine- even if they just ‘mental’ or pretend ones). Then I decided to take on femme subs I could be more emotionally and physical intimate with. However, there was always something missing. I would do the big collaring ceremony for my subs, giving the symbol for that period of time they belonged to me and were loved and safe, showing the ENTIRE community what a loyal sub they were, and they earned their spot in my life. I always have loved that, giving that to someone. Showing them that they do matter. All the while my mind would always say, “I wish I could be them”. No matter how hurt my heart was, I still wanted to be a sub too, I just was not open to it. I had to protect my heart, right? Who else is going to?
I went on for years as a Mistress. Always in the back of my mind wanting to be of service to a worthy individual and loved and cared for in a way only a Domme can provide. I wanted it, but again, I was not open to it. I LOVE being on the receiving end of heavy impact, however, during that time of my life, I wouldn’t even allow myself to bottom for anyone. I always thought “Too much vulnerability, too many emotions, too much connection”. I identify mainly as a lesbian and its pretty well known, however, I would constantly have men approach me, wanting my submission, or couples looking for a sex toy. I am no-one’s toy and I refuse to ever be one. My personal favorite are the confused straight women who want someone to pass time with and experiment with. I have had that more times than I can count. It isn’t a beautiful learning experience or fun, it hurts. However, I have always known who I am and what I want, and I typically won’t settle. I am soft hearted and sometimes that soft heart can play tricks on me. That picture is me in Domme mode.
After many more years of being only a Mistress, the right person or should I say “persons” caught me at the right time (Dominant woman and he sub husband). I gave being a sub another shot. Actually, this was one of the only NOT heart-breaking situations I have been in. I still think about them from time to time. I learned even more from them. One of the main things I learned is that I am a sub at heart, but still a switch. Accepting who we are is the most important part of kink. How can you get what you want if you can’t accept who you are? This couple was very good to me and if it wasn’t for them, I highly doubt I would ever have given being a sub another chance.
Over the years I have learned a lot. I have learned how to truly think from another human’s perspective. I proceed very carefully with those that I top. I don’t accept someone’s heart if I am not going to be able to adequately care for it. If I say I am going to do something, I follow through. I am, far from perfect. Ha! God only knows how many mistakes I have made in this life. However, I do my best to move with a kind heart. Kink taught me those things, not the vanilla world. I have learned the “craft”, technique, what to do and what not to do. However, the main thing I have learned is who I am. Kink is me; it runs in my veins and into my heart. Kink is how I love. It is so much more than sex. Sex is an added bonus. Submission and dominance are how I give my heart and show love to someone. It’s simply a language I understand, and I do my best to teach it in the ways that have worked for me. Not everyone will agree with my ways, and I will not agree with everyone else’s. I have learned that we are not weird for liking what we like, we are fucking amazing. Focus more on “what about this do I like” than “why do I like this”. The only parameters that exist are the ones we create. Yes, I am holding a cane at my job….in my veins.
I was going to write about tips and techniques for transitioning as a switch but got carried away. Ill do that tomorrow. This is from my heart, so Ill post it. Fuck this “buy me a cup of coffee” bullshit people put at the bottom of their blog. Have you been to Starbucks lately? I have been sick and missed almost a week of work. How about, “help me pay my electric” or, how about just buy some of my cool handcrafted impact toys! That would be super appreciated…..paying my rent or electric would be great too, but Ill settle for the toys.
Check out my etsy store promo code WORDPRESS gets you, 25 percent offKinkythingsbymandy – Etsy: My Road to Kink
I made everything in that picture (except the clear paddle lol). I can also do custom work if you dm me on fetlife or etsy. Ive got butt bruiser lollipops, star shaped evil sticks, paddles, floggers, dragon tails and even custom mother fucking collars….support local sick person.
Seriously–that electric bill
Worth a shot! Floridian, stuck in the mountains, using too much heat….very sick…so is the dinosaur…cough cough
Real Suede Flogger
Handcrafted by me, made with real leather, and a hand carved ash handle. 35 falls, .05 in wide and 18in long.
One response to “My Road to Kink”
Thank you for sharing your story, Amanda! I am also interested in learning about how others got started in the lifestyle. You’ve had quite the journey. Oh, and that suede flogger is beautiful! You are very talented.