I always talk about my dynamic as if it were sunshine and rainbows all the time. Well, guess what, my friends, it is not. Most people go into kink for sexual purposes at first and then fall in love with the lifestyle. A lot of kink isn’t even directly sexual. There are sexual undertones because, hey half naked on our knees, getting our asses beat…definitely has a hint of sexuality. For some of us real out there kinksters, being dominated is one in the same with sex. We all have a different appetite. We are a different breed of people who have far different needs than our vanilla counterparts. When we have a dispute with our partner, we may need a physical connection to feel absolved from the “crime,” or we may need the physical connection to move on. By physical connection, I mean ass whooping or even rubber band pulls. Whatever that may look like for you. We play with power, control, sadism, masochism and my favorite, discipline. That’s what I am going to talk about today, discipline, punishment, humility, and moving on. I normally dont write from this place because it is vulnerable, but you guys have been loyal and deserve it. I have consent to share the story I am going to tell today…
I have been with my Top for six months now. We have a strange yet beautiful relationship. I don’t think either of us understands at times. Well, I speak for myself, I don’t understand it always. I just know I love her, she loves me and we take care of each other in ways we can not get from our other partners. It’s special. Right now, our dynamic is platonic. Maybe that will change, maybe it won’t. Either way, that aspect is irrelevant to the Ds part of our dynamic.
We have been having issues the past few months. Both of us have played our own part in the chaos that has been going on. It really isn’t going on anymore, let’s say, “was”. I have not been a sub in a long time, so I frequently try to take the power and control back. That is hurtful to my partner. Bex is her name, BTW. I am an experienced Domme, and frequently, I have taken advantage of the fact that she is new to being the Top partner. I have never done it on purpose. I would never intentionally hurt her. No sub wants that. Bex never wanted to be the Domme that punished her sub. So, for 6 months, I’ve never been punished. Maybe some threats here and there, but I became accustomed to her not following through. There were other inconsistencies and changes that affected my actions, behaviors, and respect toward her. I i think every sub goes through this phase where we believe that our Top is perfect and incapable of mistakes. It is because we have such a high level of admiration for our Top. However, we are merely fallible humans trying to figure things out. No one is perfect, not me or her.
Things were reaching a point that we wouldn’t be able to come back from if it continued the way it was. Our vanilla “whatevership” (cause its strange and beautiful) was leaking into our Ds. We were both about done. I know I love her and she loves me, but what do we do? How do we fix this? I know I asked myself that many times. Was there any coming back? She decided she was going to punish me, finally. I really didn’t believe she was going to follow through. Why would I? She has always been very gentle with me cause I need gentleness, and she knows my past and all the intricate details that make me me. However, there comes a time when a Top just has to be the Top.
One night a month, we have a special night. A night that is just her and I. She comes to my apartment (usually) we hang out for a bit, then we go to a sushi restaurant near my place. She holds the door open for me, orders for us, and treats me like a lady. In vanilla life, I am pretty androgynous and have to play a more masculine role, even if I present more on the femme side. I get dressed up in my cute little outfits, make-up, heels, and even my little hair bows. She orders our food, we talk and have fun. Just us. This is one night we preserve just to enjoy each other with no outside people (except those attending the event) or interruptions, in the capacity our relationship is meant for: Domme/sub, Owner/owned. Then we go to our favorite event, “Domination.” I get to be subbie the whole time in a place that is accepting of that dynamic. I do public acts of service for her. She “takes care” of me, the whole shabang. She signs us up for a space on the bench. Then beats the ever loving shit out of me for 30 minutes and once in a blue as long as an hour. We take it to different places each time. Sometimes more sensual…which, for me, it is a sweet spot that caters to all of my needs. Other times, it’s brutal, which caters to other needs. Then after we go to a quiet place and I sit at her feet and hold on to her leg and she gets me a juice or one of my little stuffies from my bag, whatever she knows I need. She pets my head and makes sure no one steps on me or interrupts. She “protects” me and our space. It’s probably our second favorite part of the night. I do not scene with people as a bottom because i know I require heavy aftercare. I don’t trust anyone to take care of me the way she does. I waited 3, almost 4 years to bottom. Getting beat or hit is a NEED, not a want for me, however, I trust no-one to do it other than her. She is my happy place.
This month was quite different. I could tell the whole night something was bothering her. I assumed it was vanilla life. I really didn’t believe she was going to actually punish me. She told me it was going to happen and it had to be there and that night. We co-topped someone and she had my back while I did a scene as the top. I am hearing impaired so I can’t tell if people are behind me or in my spa ce. Then it came time for our “scene”. I got almost naked and took her shoes off as I always do. Then she began to ask me why we were in the back and tell me I was getting a “nothing” beating since I wanted to be defiant. I could tell she was genuinely “hurt” during this process. I laid on the bench, and she barely hit me and went on to tell me I was bratty and defiant, and it hurt her. She also said she was “Disappointed”. My heart sank when I heard those two words, hurt and disappointed. I also heard more “get the fuck out this is private”. (She’s sexy even during a punishment) It was pretty humiliating, considering she pulled my panties up my ass like we would if we scene. It required so much humility to sit there and accept that. Which, I deserved that. That was the hard part, knowing everything she was saying was true.
After about 20 minutes, she asked me if I wanted to get hit. Me, not thinking, gave the bratty response, “yes”. It wasn’t intended bratty. I was again, just thinking about getting what i wanted. She whooped my ass like a kid. Seriously. It was pretty embarrassing, considering it came from the person I look up to and have a deep love for. She punished me with my favorite toy, along with one I made her and my 2nd favorite toy that she bought after enjoying using it on me many months ago (she knew loved it). She essentially “spanked” me. It was not a brutal beating like I enjoy, but one that hurt and was humiliating. She has full consent to do whatever she chooses. Nothing of that nature is against my consent. I trust her. She owns me.
Many times, I wanted to get up and say “fuck this shit”, but that’s not how this works. I earned that. We both needed it, so we could move on. I was pretty mad. I can’t say I wasn’t. We went outside together, and she got down low (cause I was on the bench) and said, “I understand if you can’t let it go tonight, but tomorrow, let it go.” I was crying cause I was upset. My feelings were hurt. It was embarrassing (even though she made sure no one really saw), and my butt hurt, and I didn’t get the subspace. I kind of threw a fit. I wanted to go home. I wanted to be cuddled and held, but my pride wouldn’t allow room for that.
On the ride home, I asked her to take me to Taco Bell, and she asked me if I wanted her to come up. I didn’t answer. I did want her to come up. I wanted all of that before, but I wouldn’t allow room for that. Again, still treating me like a lady, got my food for me. I was still upset. We got to my apartment, and i let her come up. I sat on the couch, and she sat across in the chair. That’s where the humility aspect really came in. Not even a minute later, I scooted over because I needed her. I laid my head in her lap, and she loved on me.
This all happened almost a month ago. This event has been a lot harder for her to process than it has for me. I have lived this lifestyle for 20 years. I don’t really know any other way of life. This is my normal. I dont like to give submission because it’s such a tender, vulnerable part of myself. I love being a sub, and I love being a sub for the person who owns me. Generally, I don’t have it in me to give.
This has been hard on her. That was the part that had the most impact on me. I look at it as she normally brutally beats me for fun, why was a few hard smacks with a paddle so bad? Because she didn’t like having to do something that was unpleasant for us or that hurt me in a way i didn’t “enjoy.” Even though I needed it, it hurt her. It hurt me knowing that her doing that affected her negatively. We have moved on since this, as in together. We have let the situation go. The slate wiped clean, I learned my lesson deeply.
The idea behind all of this is that when the punishment is over, we move on, clean slate. Some people have issues moving past things. Once I get punished, I feel like I paid, and it’s over, and life can carry on. That’s why I am kinky. I am a different breed of people.
I can say something like this hit a lot harder (no pun intended) because she is my best friend. When it came from my wife, it was whateves, because she married me. Coming from another adult that I am not sexually intimate with was different. I look up to her (even though I’m older), she is cool, kind-hearted, responsible, and pretty. I probably sound like a kid. I feel like one, too. But it’s true. I want to do better and be better because I don’t want to hurt or disappoint the person I hold such a high regard for.
When the Top gives you the things they give you and you don’t follow through on your end, you have to be prepared to expect some sort of consequence. It requires humility as an adult to accept that from another adult. Especially if you are the type of adult I am. I normally run restaurants with multiple employees, take care of a family I rarely see, and I am on my own. Since I have been divorced, I have been a free agent on my own in a state far away from my “home”. It makes for a “me against the world” outlook. So when I invite someone in, it’s different. It has taken me time to accept the fact that I am not in control, I don’t run anything. She is in charge of our relationship, and if i don’t do the things expected of me, I won’t get the things I want or there is a consequence. That’s a lot to accept as a dominant independent woman. It works for me, though. She is worth that to me. The friendship we have is worth all of that. I wouldn’t know how to be any other way with her. I have had to learn to trust another human being other than myself. She would never ask me to do anything that wasn’t “good” for me. I also had to learn that maybe I don’t have all the answers and someone else might have the ones I am looking for. I have had to accept that someone out there cares for me on a deep level and wants me to be successful without wanting what’s in my skinny jeans. I have had to learn about working with another person for a common goal. That goal is help each other be a better version of ourselves.
My other friends and family have noticed such a dramatic shift in things with me over the past six months. Even my old Domme noticed a lot. I can’t say I am 100 percent responsible for all the positive changes. I had help. I had a lot of help, kind words, and pushes. I don’t feel so “on my own” in the world anymore. I don’t know what I have brought to her life. I hope it’s more good than not. If not, then that defeats the purpose, correct? Things have been much better lately, we moved on and let things go. The goal was attained. I feel different now as well. I feel like a sub. I’m not perfect, but I felt the shift, and I think that was exactly what was supposed to happen. Be humble, let go, and move on. That is the lesson and concept.
May love and light surround you and yours. By the way, I did get a good at home scene the next day. She’s always good to me. In one and a half weeks, our favorite event and I can’t wait. I even got a cute 50’s pin up style dress. Can’t wait for it to be on the floor and my ass bruised for a week.