All Things Kink

That’s The Hard Part

So what do you do when a journey has met its end? How do you cope with it? In BDSM, we build deep, fulfilling connections that are to be of better service to the lives of who we interact with. Especially when dealing with heavy impact, it deepens a connection and produces many emotions, because a deep level of trust is required. For some of us, those scenes have a deeper meaning than physical intimacy. What do you do when it’s time for those connections to end? Good question, right?

Say you are a sub and you no longer want the rules and living required with submission, what do you do? You have a Dom that no longer has the available space or place for you. It doesn’t mean they don’t care about you and value what you brought to their life, it just means they have more fulfilling things they need to tackle. It’s easy to read but hard to accept. What if everything is a complete mess and a huge fight and abuse and unkind words are involved? The answer to all those things is letting go.

ABUSE

If abuse is present don’t let go, run. You never have to stay in a place where you question your safety. You just don’t. You never have to do anything. It may not seem like it. It may seem at that moment that you have no power, but, remember, giving your power away is a freedom and a choice it is NEVER something you have to do. There are horrible people in this world that mask abuse with BDSM. A real BDSM dynamic is based on understanding, love, trust and respect. Never being hit without consent, called names that are hurtful without consent. Consent is the main thing that makes these relationships beautiful.

Not Your Flavor

If you gave this a try and it isn’t for you, the best thing you can do is be honest and open. It may be very difficult for your partner to receive. It’s hard when a deep bond is formulated. No-one wants to let go of something that brings them so much happiness and fulfillment. However, if it is not reciprocated, it’s time to let go. The deeper the bond gets the harder it will be in the long run. You have to be prepared that that person may not want you in their life in any capacity anymore. It doesn’t mean they didn’t value you, it’s just hard. They may need a lot of time to heal and rediscover themselves. They may not ever be able to get over it and it just may be the end. So, choose what you do with care. Choose what is right for you and everyone involved, but be prepared to accept what may come with that and allow the other person to feel what they need to feel so they can be ok too.

How Do I DEAL????

OK….so now, what happens when you are the person being let go of? What do you do? You may want to fight with every effort of your being, you might question your own worth, you may want to turn back time. Truth is, it has nothing to do with your worth as a sub or Dom, there is no fighting what is supposed to happen and we can’t turn back time. The best thing to do is learn what you can and be better for the next person . Life is about lessons and growth.

You will go through the same phases a person does who is experiencing grief: denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance. It’s normal, you are not crazy. Well, I’m a little crazy. In recovery they say “acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.” It’s true. Accept that the chapter of your life is now closed. Be grateful for the time you had and open yourself up to new experiences. It is very easy to say and easy to read. I know from experience it is not easy to do.

When I had to walk away from my marriage, it was one of the hardest things I ever did. For a year, if not longer, I questioned myself, my worth, my entire reason for living. As a slave to my wife, my life’s purpose was to serve her. I felt I no longer had a purpose. The connection we had was at a solar level. The heavy impact deepened that. I became conditioned to depend on her for everything in my life. That was our arrangement. She was the ultimate factor in everything in my life. Taking my power back was so difficult. I struggled until recently with that. I still felt like I had to do things that were what we did. I would question my behaviors and make sure they were in ways that would be pleasing to her. Until I discovered myself and opened myself up to new experiences.

Things you CAN do

After my divorce, I started looking for things that brought me joy and purpose. I started eating healthy and going to the gym. That helped me be proud of what I saw in the mirror. One person’s trash is another woman’s treasure. I started making attempts to build friendships and I got involved in the local kink scene here in NC. It has been a lot for me. It’s been a lot of emotions I am not used to, it’s been a lot of new experiences and they haven’t all been easy, but they are helping me learn how to be me again.

You may have to separate yourself completely from the person who no longer wants the dynamic. You have the right to do that. You deserve time to heal and figure yourself out again. Try to separate yourself from whatever brings you hurt in regards to the situation. One day you may be able to maintain a friendship again. It’s better to separate yourself for a little bit than to do something that continuously causes you hurt. You deserve time.

I decided I never wanted to be a sub again. I decided I never wanted to give those parts of myself again. But doing that didn’t fix the problem of what my marriage did to me. It merely held me back from happiness. One day I decided to scene with someone I felt was worthy. I opened myself up to something that I vowed to never do again. Now, we have a platonic dynamic. I have actually written about different parts of our relationship, All the way back to the day we first did a scene. Is it going to be FOREVER? I don’t know. Nothing is really forever now is it? But for the time I have it, and I value every part of it. We can’t predict the future. Actually, I kinda can, if you knew me, you’d get it.

Baggage Claim!

Now, that you have let go and moved on, you might find you have some baggage. That’s the problem I face today. I haven’t quite figured out how to deal with it. I haven’t quite figured out how to fix it. Hopefully one day I will. I can tell you, using the past as a prediction for all people is not helpful for your new endeavors. It isn’t a good guideline to go off. All it does is hold you back. Be open to the new things your new sub or Dom may bring. If you aren’t, you are selling yourself short and hurting them in the process. I have done it.

Even when things aren’t intense they seem intense. We play with power, pain, and control. Playing with these things involves deep trust, deep care, deep emotions and respect for the other person. But if those things aren’t present it’s time to let go. If your well being and safety is at risk then run. Emotional needs are important too. Two people mean two sets of boundaries. Both people’s needs have to be respected or meet somewhere in the middle. If you can’t meet in the middle that’s fine too, but you never have to just accept something If it means you can’t have what you need. Needs and wants are two different things. Another subject I have written about.

Be prepared for all of these relationships to involve hurt, even vanilla ones. We all will hurt at some point. We will fight, we will disagree, we will make mistakes. But anything that’s worth keeping is worth working on and trying to do better. I screw up all the time. I try to take what I did and do better the next time. I’m not really successful yet, but I hope I get there. The idea of all of this is to help your partner be a better version of themselves and in doing that it helps you. That is true for both sides of the slash. The things we go through together should ultimately bring us closer together in the end. If you’re a sub, you may have to get punished, or do things you don’t “want” to do; if you are the top, you may have to re-evaluate things for your subs well being, you may have to give them lessons that are hard for them to receive. The end result should be a positive one. We have to do a lot in all of these dynamics. The end result will be worth it.