All Things Kink

What Makes Our Kinky Minds Tick?

This is a good question, what does make our kinky minds tick? The answer is different for everyone. Some people are born kinky, and others became this way through exploration, relationships and some from trauma. Our kinks and dynamics change, grow and evolve just like everything else in our life. The most important thing is to never stop checking in with ourselves and our partners and never stop the negotiation process. As we grow and change it’s imperative to re-negotiate the outlines of our dynamics and what we share with play partners. It’s also key that we check in with ourselves. If we don’t know our wants, needs and desires how can we expect anyone else to fulfill them? I have a brief “story” to share before I go into the depths of this piece.

I have a friend from home that messaged me the other day, in regard to one of her kinks. She was also kind enough to give me consent to share her story as long as I kept her name out of it. We are going to call her “Ashley”. Ashley was concerned about one of her kinks because it related to old trauma. No matter how much we work through some things and take measures to be the most emotionally healthy version of ourselves possible, things still come up. Thats with anyone, no matter how major or minor the trauma may seem, it is still trauma. No-one but us can gauge how it affects us. Ashley is a bad ass and a survivor of a very traumatic sexual assault and captivity. I’m not going to go into detail about the situation itself because it really is not relative. The main thing that stayed with Ashley after the trauma was the fact that her “captor” would not allow her to use the bathroom like a normal person. She had to ask and if she was granted permission, the captor would make her use a jar, and she was monitored through the process. There is no reason for me to go into any more detail of her traumatic experience. However, she realized over the years and post healing from the event, she now enjoys bathroom use control. Which I totally get it, it can be fun and sexy. I have even mentioned it in previous writings. Ashley’s concern was that it is unhealthy that she enjoys this and that it stems from an unhealthy place. Her other concern was that she will have difficulty finding a partner who enjoyed playing with her in this way. She feared that her partners may view her different for enjoying it or be disgusted by her request. As I read her messages, I can see the validity of her concerns. This is one of those kinks that really has minimal benefit for the other person other than the feeling associated with the control, pleasing the receiver and fulfilling a need for someone.

Fear and misunderstanding of self can be the biggest offender in holding us back from our heart’s desires. When things happen in life, such as situational and sexual trauma it causes our brains to automatically re-wire. Often times with traumatic experiences of this nature, it formulates into a “kink”. I asked Ashley “what about this do you enjoy?” “Is this sexual, control loss, etc.?” She responded with, “I am not sure. It’s a little bit of everything (as most kink often is) but most of all it is liberating.” That was the key thing that stuck in my mind, “liberating”. I asked Ashley, to ask herself this, “How is finding ‘liberation’ unhealthy?” I think that sounds way healthier than what most vanilla people seek. We can’t change or control when and how our brain chooses to re-wire in response to trauma. We can’t choose what brings us pleasure, satisfaction, fulfillment or healing. We can only choose to acknowledge it and accept it. If something makes you feel good or makes you happy, it just does. No-one needs to know why you enjoy something, they just need to know you do. We owe no-one and explanation for the things that make us feel good, if it’s not harming us or anyone around us. Where things stem from is simply a place, it’s a starting point, where we take it is up to us and that is how we re-gain control of our own lives and the things that make us feel good. In the grand scheme of things, who gives a fuck where something comes from? Right? If someone is that concerned about it, they probably aren’t a real kinkster.

I explained to Ashley, it may not be easy finding someone who will want to engage with you that way. Nothing in life that is worth having is ever easy, now, is it? They take time, effort, work and patience. There is a huge ocean of kinky little fish just like us. The best thing you can do is be open and honest about your wants and needs. There will be a special little starfish out there, more than happy to say “no, you can wait to go pee.” However, in the meantime, accept yourself and be prepared that finding what you need may take time, a little bit of teaching, and negotiation.

Give, Take, and Re-Negotiate

In kink there is a huge give and take. It is probably the best place to learn how to be mindful of the needs of others along with maintaining our own boundaries. We are not kink dispensers. Often times I have found myself doing things that make me feel indifferent, but they gave someone else joy. Other times I found myself doing things I didn’t like and even made me uncomfortable, for the happiness of someone else. Then, there have been times where I enjoyed every ounce of what I was giving. These things are how we discover ourselves, our boundaries, what we like, and what we are capable of giving to the ones we care for. Everyone has wants and needs, especially in kink. My biggest fear as a sub is asking something or accepting something from someone that they don’t necessarily want to give or enjoy giving. I would never want anyone to feel like I have in situations where I was merely a kink dispenser. The idea is for this to be mutually satisfying and fulfilling for both partners. Even if that satisfaction comes from a different place, it still needs to be present or there is no point.

I think it’s safe to say that we need to frequently revisit and re-negotiate terms and conditions of our dynamics. It’s part of evolving and growing with our partners. If we grow against our partner instead of with them, we no-longer have anything left to share. Right? We are then separated by the very thing that was supposed to bring us together. We are not going to want or like everything our partners like and that’s ok. We don’t have to do anything that makes us uncomfortable or unhappy, not even if we are a sub. When I say “uncomfortable” I am not referring to getting your ass whooped for misbehaving or wearing a butt plug to the grocery store. There are hard limits and soft ones. We have them for a reason.