The cream to the Cafe Bustelo
We all know what BDSM stands for, right? Well, if not, it stands for, bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism. The S&M is literally like the cream to our kinky coffee. By definition, sadism is a person deriving pleasure or gratification from inflicting pain on others. Thats a nice dictionary take, but again, not FULLY reality. By definition, masochism is deriving pleasure (especially sexually) from pain or humiliation. Great job webster, on the efforts, however there is a much deeper meaning and reasoning to all of this. There is no way I am the only person that thinks this deeply about things. When I hear or read definitions like the ones above, I can’t say it hasn’t made me judge or second guess my own pleasures. Also, having experiences with vanilla partners who may not get ANY enjoyment out of the things I like has been challenging and often times left me feeling like one odd duck. However, I eventually realized those partners are just boring, and I am lucky to have such a broad pallet. After all these years, I have gotten out of my head and learned to accept all the quirky, beautiful things that make me, me, and you should too. Don’t get hung up on what the dictionary says, or what some lame vanilla fuck thinks about you. Also, avoid asking yourself “Why do I like this?”. If I asked myself “why” about a quarter of the things I enjoy, I would spend most of my life on a therapist couch. No-one has the time or the money for that. Instead, start asking yourself, “what about this do I enjoy?”. Once you know what you enjoy, you can get more of it from those willing to give it to you. Trust me, if one doesn’t “want” to, there are 17 billion other people who would stand in line to have that same experience with you. Trust me, I got you boo.
It hurts, soooo good!!
I am not a huge sadist. I’m just not. However, I sure do like to please and if that requires me beating the ever-loving shit out of a woman (consensually), I am ALL in!! I do know that there are many people who get a deep satisfaction from inflicting pain on their partners. The reasons have two variations. Men are more likely to get stimulated simply by the act of inflicting pain. It is visual which equates physical. I don’t write geared toward men, because my brain is not one in the same. For some women the idea of a partner being willing to go to lengths as far as allowing them to consensually hurt their partner, is very sexually stimulating. It makes the sadist feel adored, powerful and sexy. They are mentally stimulated by the power involved which can manifest into a sexual stimulation. The idea that their partner would do absolutely anything for them in that moment, just to have a bite of the pie, drives them crazy. It would drive me crazy too! Every time the person on the bottom winces or whines and continues to take whatever pain is being bestowed upon them, is a quite powerful experience for the person on top. Even if it is not sexual in the moment, it is still pleasurable. It is pleasurable because during the play positive hormones are being released and that positive feeling is now associated with the act of inflicting pain. It can also deepen a connection that in return will provide an overall more sexually satisfying experience.
Other sadists are really getting their pleasure from “pleasing” the masochist. They may pretend to be a bad ass during play, but the truth is, they enjoy pleasing. When the masochist is entering into the space of being sexually stimulated and visually aroused, it in turn arouses the person inflicting the pain. A lot of kink involves a similar return. I know for myself, the more excited and aroused my partner gets, the more excited I get. Being desirable in any form is arousing and satisfying. When I know my partner is getting what they want, I am pleased, because no matter how we are “acting” or “playing” the idea of them being aroused because of what I am doing is exciting. The act or idea of hurting someone may not in itself be exciting, but the return is.
This goes across the board for “humiliation”. You may not REALLY think your partner is a slut but knowing that they enjoy it can be mutually satisfying. If you actually enjoy calling your partner every name in the book, that’s cool too, as long as it is in the bounds of consent. This can really play into a deeper psychological picture too. If you have a partner that has done a few not so desirable things in day-to-day life, it may be satisfying to take them down a few notches, again in the bounds of consent. I mean, there is typically a little truth to everything, now isn’t there? Again, the power associated with being able to put a person, willingly in that place, is pretty sexy.
Harder, harder, harder
On to my favorite part, masochism. I personally identify as one of those special people who derive a deep sense of pleasure from pain. I know I am whole unique person in this very large world, but I am not the only one that shares this feeling, and neither are you. If we were, there wouldn’t be websites, books and studies dedicated to this stuff. The physical sensation of someone hurting me in a way that is degrading/humiliating is exciting and more often than not sexually stimulating. I would be lying to myself if I said that wasn’t true. The biggest part of kink is knowing yourself and accepting all the quirky things you like, so you can actually relax and enjoy it with those who want to enjoy it with you. I have never known why pain excites me; I just know that it does. I am sure there are a bunch of fucked up reasons that stem from childhood, but, hey, we all have them.
Certain sensations create that special feeling that gives me goosebumps all over. It starts in a place that is very arousing and the further I am taken or take myself; I go into a place of extreme mental and physical euphoria and the other arousing feeling subsides. However, I still receive almost the exact same satisfaction in the end. That is not always across the board. It depends on the types of sensations, and the depths, but mostly the mental connection. Please don’t get that mistaken with the idea that ALL pain is pleasurable, for me it is not. For me, it is typically very specific types. The pain and sensations need to be attached to reasoning, feeling and emotions, if not, then it’s just pain, right? A lot of people go into this lifestyle because they have a “need” to be hurt in a safe way. They need to be hurt by their partner to feel cared for, loved, forgiven etc. It may be interpreted as “They care about me enough to hurt me to heal/help me”,
“They care about me enough to hurt me, so I’ll do better.” I have spoken to many people in the community and the idea is pretty consistent across the board. That is why we live the way we do. Similar ideas are how I have found a greater, deeper satisfaction in all of this. The only way to discover is to explore. These things may vary from partner to partner, again due to the emotional connection behind it.
For most people the idea that is attached to the hurt, is one of submission, subservience, being “deserving” of being hurt/punished, being “less than”, etc. the mental attachment is different for everyone and for every situation that leads them into it. Some people actually have a “need” to be treated this was to feel loved or cared for, similar to being “hurt”. Being verbally humiliated, called names, made to do certain subservient things can be so mentally stimulating for some, it immediately causes a sexual response in the brain. Sometimes it’s the idea of “I deserve this”, ” I am helpless/no control”, “I am merely an object for use”. it can be anything in that realm. The stimulation is fueled by a thought or idea which transmutes into an emotion. The idea is to figure out what feeling you like. Do I like the feeling of no control? Do I like being a sex object? Do I like feeling worthless (not for real–fantasy)? Once you find that out, again, you can determine the ways to get more of that and have the fulfillment you DESERVE!
Trauma and THE Change
Some people can’t enjoy sex without these feelings. I don’t have the answer to “why”. We are all different. Some people are just born that way, others have been “built” this way due to the thing’s life has handed them. We can’t help the cards we were dealt, but we sure as hell can figure out how to play them. Sexual trauma can rewire things in the brain that are associated with sexual pleasure, and from there a masochist is born. That is not every case, but it is true for some. When women experience sexual trauma, we often times are faced with two options, enjoy nothing or accept your new you, and make it work. When we settle for nothing, we are allowing ourselves to remain victims with no control. Fuck that, take your power back and lend it to someone who wants you to feel good and will help you get there.
Adults who have been abused sexually have a tendency to engage in self harming behaviors like burning and cutting. I personally know adults that feel impact play helps curb the overwhelming desire to self-harm. The impact play not only curbs those desires, it also helps them stay centered until it is time to do it again. Plus, getting bent over a spanking bench, half naked is much more fun and sexier than the alternative.
Acceptance is the answer to your PLEASURE
Whether you are a sadist, a masochist, or both, accept it. Accept yourself for you. Do not worry about the “whys”. If you spend all your time trying to figure out why you enjoy something, you won’t allow any room for the enjoyment. Write a list of the things, thoughts and ideas that excite you and determine what you like about those things. Once you know you can turn it into a quest to experience more. Also, be mindful to take in account the things you don’t like. It’s always ok and encouraged to say “no” or “I don’t like this”. Allow yourself the freedom to have the things you want and need, without worrying about what others think. If your partner really does care about, they won’t judge you or make you feel bad for liking what you like. The RIGHT person will be patient and take time to learn you and your likes and help you get there. Thats what a partnership is about; Working together to achieve a common goal.