All Things Kink

I normally don’t discuss topics like the one I am going to discuss tonight. I normally speak about mechanics and tips from a dominant angle for a dominants use. I speak about things that are more knowledge based as opposed to feeling based. I don’t speak on things that a submissive woman should take into account during their journey. The reason I don’t speak of these things is because it’s a much more intimate and vulnerable piece of me that I typically do not share with anyone. However, I have been reflecting on things in my own kinky life and current journey and I figured tonight I will share some things that should be taken into account when you choose to hand over power and will. We are not the only ones giving a great gift, what we are given in return is probably the greatest. There is no design for what I am about to share, it is simply one of those things that are from my heart.

When we enter into a Ds relationship, regardless of the details, we are choosing to enter into a situation with another person that requires much more than a typical vanilla relationship. This may not always be easy, it may be challenging, however, I promise you, the outcome is rewarding. When we find a Dom we feel is worthy of our love, respect, trust and admiration, we also hand over power and control in certain aspects if not all areas of our life. We give them the gift of loyalty, service (different forms for different dynamics), and again our trust. They in return give us a freedom we would not be able to find anywhere else.

Since a very young age, my life has been less than easy, but I am sure we can all say that. BDSM is the only thing that gives me satisfaction, fulfillment, purpose and a sense of being cared for. It is how I interpret love/care. Of course I have purpose in my daily life, however, as a sub I am able to fill a purpose and a use to the person I serve. I am gifted the freedom of not having to worry about certain things, because those worries have been taken off of me. I am gifted the freedom of not having to think so much. I think all the time. It’s nice to have some of that lifted from me.

When a Dominant partner enters your life and you offer them control, think about the things that may entail for them. They are accepting a big responsibility and we should appreciate their acceptance. They are not obligated to take what we offer, however they do. It’s not easy for them to deal with our wants and needs, and making sure we are cared for and healthy. They put our needs often times before theirs and we should be mindful to do the same for them.

They are present in our life. Even if they don’t live in the same building as us, their presence is there in the form of protocol and routine. If we are the type that have a deep need for physical pain, they give it to us in a way that is safe and healthy. When I am responsible for my own free will, things of that nature get a little messy. I don’t have a stop. The stop is placed for me. They don’t judge us for our needs, regardless of where they lie. That place with them, is one of safety. When our lives feel displaced, they help us see the placement so we can have the pride of figuring it out. When we feel all alone in a cold, huge, scary world (no matter how tough we would like everyone to think we are) they help us see that we aren’t. With them in our life, we will have some help getting back up when we fall. That is a lot for anyone to choose to accept from us. That is what all healthy Ds situations should somewhat mirror. Not all will, but they should.

They give us instructions and commands, whether they are large or small and it is our responsibility to accept them and follow them. They take us underneath them and we have a responsibility to share things with them. Sometimes we may not want to share these things, but it is their right as our Dom. We belong to them, so what goes on with us does as well. We do not get to choose when and if they need to intervene. We trust they will make a choice that is in our best interest. To not do that is in essence taking back a gift. No-one wants to feel that. They have taken on such a great responsibility by accepting and welcoming us into their lives, it is disrespectful and hurtful to not do what they ask. That’s part of this lifestyle. It is our duty to them to show trust especially when they have gone to great lengths to earn it.

There will be times when we are asked to do things we don’t “want” to do. There will be times when our Dom says things we don’t “like”. Again, these things are part of this lifestyle we make a conscious choice to live. If they give us everything we “want” and never say “no”, then there is really no point, because then we are in control as a free agent. We gave that over willingly and trying to take it back isn’t very nice. We no longer belong to ourselves, we belong to them.

You may very well go through times where you battle with yourself about submission and question your own desires. That’s normal. You may want to and actively resist commands. This may be to test the water or your persons dominance, or it may be due to your own inner conflict. You may know you want it and need it, but want to deny yourself the satisfaction. You may be acting out of a place of bratty-ness or straight up “acting up”. It happens. All of these things are normal and happen in their own time. Typically it is forgiven and we are expected to pay for it in whatever way the Dom chooses. We owe that. It isn’t wanted on either ends but it is needed. It is part of our freedom to absolve the guilt. Another thing we are lucky to have that vanilla people don’t.

Our journey with everyone will not mirror the previous. Every Dom will have a different want and expectation from us. This will take time to get used to. We have to be as willing to accept the change as willingly as they accepted us into their lives. We have to allow ourselves to be trainable. If we are not open, we are not only selling our Dom short, we are also depriving ourselves of a new opportunity to receive the gifts of kink. The dynamic may be a polar opposite of what we had before or it could run parallel. One thing it won’t be, is the same. We have to give our person a break and room to grow and learn. In the process we are learning each other. We are learning their needs and wants and possibly discovering ones we never knew we had. We are learning how to be an asset to their lives as well as allowing them to be one to ours. That is what this is all about, right?

Sometimes we make the mistake of looking at our Dom through rosie subbie glasses. We can’t help it, we have good taste. At least I know I have amazing taste. We see them as these all knowing, strong, beautiful, magnificent and almost magical beings. But, we have to take the glasses off and remember they are just human beings. They will make mistakes, they can’t have the answer for everything and they hurt and feel joy just like we do. They might even unintentionally hurt our feelings along the way. But they are not perfect and that’s just the formula of life. They are people who also have a similar need and desire to be of service to someone’s life. They are choosing ours. The interpretation is much different than ours, but in essence we are all one in the same. When they give that to us, it should be valued and respected. They are learning with us, regardless of how much experience they may or may not have. There is a basic idea of kink, but nothing really to compare it to other than what we see around us and in books or websites like these. We decide those things.

There are no set rules and guidelines to what goes on in your dynamic, except the ones we create. Some dynamics revolve around sex, however most real kink does not. Sex may be part of your routine and it may not be. There may be sexual aspects, which anything kinky has a hint of that. We are laying on spanking benches half naked, for fucksakes. The foundation of a real dynamic is, trust, care/love (whatever that looks like to you), understanding, and consent. This is my opinion, reflective of my journey and the partners I choose to be kinky with. Not all of my partners have been great and I haven’t always been a great partner myself. I am a human, and I take each experience and use what I learned so I can be better in the next. For many years I stayed bitter and closed myself off from the one thing in life that gives me great satisfaction. The only person that hurt was me. Now, I have a whole freaking blog about it.

As sub, take value in the gift you are being given. Relish in the new freedoms you have. Respect the commands and orders that are given to you and wear your marks and bruises with great pride. Being a sub is sexy. Enjoy it. Appreciate what has been given to you and value what has been taken from you. May light and love surround you and yours.