Welcome all, on this rainy morning! Well it is rainy in the dump of a state, North Carolina. Hopefully it is sunny and beautiful everywhere else.
So this morning I’m going to talk about the development of your submissive and how to devise an appropriate training plan to fit their needs. This is typically the most challenging part for the Dom and most exciting part for the sub. This is what they long to complete. Most of what I am going to discuss isn’t ALL for the benefit of the Dominant partner. It sounds like it would be, right? The Dominant has the reward of watching the submissive flourish into the beautiful flower they were always meant to be, with great pride in the fact they have pleased their master/person. Aren’t I a sweetie? You’ve never been hit by me. Well, some of my Florida readers definitely have. I’m still a sweetie…😬
Part one is going to cover the basics of the plan. We are going to talk about timing and length, types of dynamics, and things to know before you begin. Part two will cover the categories of training, working with resistance and allowing room for the sub to express themselves appropriately.
First Things First
Please remember, I speak from a place that is geared toward the needs of genetically female partners. Men subs have much different needs because their chemical makeup is totally different, and their brain thinks and processes from a different plane. Their chemical makeup is still that of a male unless they have been on extensive amounts of hormones. I started my journey dominating men. So, trust me. It’s a whole different ball game.
Before jumping into an extensive high protocol training scheme, take time to get to know your sub. Ask questions and actively listen. Get to know her background, what her life has been like and what needs she may have. Some people don’t like all that heavy high protocol training. They just want to be needed and valued. Others are really into that. They need that to feel the feelings associated with being a sub. Kink is entirely up to the people engaging in it. Mutually make a decision on the type of dynamic you want to continue in and going forth on the same page is not just necessary, it is consent. The sub needs to know where they stand so they can make a conscious grounded choice determining if that is what they really want. There are dynamics that are strictly sexual, some are more domestic oriented, others are romantic and some are platonic. None are less than the others, that’s just the way those people choose to relate and navigate life. All are serious and should be handled with care and respect. Before I start something of this nature with a sub, I get to know them over the course of at least a month before I begin, sometimes longer.
A beginning and an end
Sit down with your sub and determine a start date and an end date. This is always a temporary part of the dynamic. Cause no-one is really going to want to deal with all that comes with training for an extended period of time. The idea is to give them something to work towards, so they can feel the accomplishment of satisfying your requests and being successful in giving you what you need (even though there are times all this is really meant for them). It strengthens connection and the already deep bond associated with BDSM.
For partners that co-habitate, I would recommend doing training over the course of 2 weeks. Not every day, but three days a week over a two-week period giving days for relaxation. It can be overwhelming for both parties to go nonstop with no room to breathe. The last thing you want to do is overwhelm the sub and for them to feel like they are failing. You also don’t want to get frustrated with them and that frustration boil into daily life together. The idea is to push them to do something outside of their box for your benefit. That is the mental stimulation behind it all.
For partners that do not co-habitate, I would suggest one day a week if life scheduling permits, over a six-week period. If vanilla life does not permit that much time, extend it to a twelve-week time span, one day every other week. When there is not the co-habitation and concept of a life together, there needs to be space for both parties to reflect and enjoy the process. This is supposed to be fun and special for both people involved. Again, not overwhelming, stressful or imposing on eithers vanilla life. Again, 6 different sessions.
After you have determined your start and end date, determine what days and how long you intend to have your sessions. If you don’t live together, at least try to get a general idea and plan it in 2-week increments. This gives the sub the stability of knowing they will be expected to behave in certain ways on certain days. Also determine what time the session will start and end. I would not recommend pressing someone for more than two to four hours. Many books and articles will disagree with me, they will suggest long daunting plans. They may sound sexy, but they are not realistic for either partner. This takes the fun and excitement away.
Not everything has to be done face to face or at home. You may decide that the sub can do certain jobs for you at a party or event and consider that part of the “training”. These things kind of take the pressure off of everyone. You can also do a day over the phone or via text. You could give commands, tasks involving pictures or videos, bathroom use control, humiliation or whatever you choose and make this count as a training day. These parameters are created by you, the one in charge. Again, giving a break for both parties. To do every session this way kind of takes the fun out of it, however, doing some or several this way can alleviate the pressure you have as the one in charge and the nervousness the sub may feel. More than likely the sub will be excited to feel your presence when you are not there and gladly attempt to complete whatever you command. I speak from a place who has lived both roles.
This can also be as relaxed as you and your partner need. There are no limits on your kink. The idea is just to give them something to work for and look forward to. The idea is to give them a date and a time period they can strive to be everything you need them to be to be of maximum service you. It is nice to make a big deal or a reward for their commitment and dedication to their service to you. You could reward them in many ways. Typically, a collar is the reward, but again, kink is up to interpretation of those kinking.
Some people do their training during a consideration period and after the completion, it’s a done deal. Other people do their training after the consideration period. That is the next step in solidifying the deal. This gives more time to build trust, especially if you have a sub with special needs. I don’t mean handicap; I mean they may have needs that are a little more than the average person and they need more time to build trust, comfort, confidence and security in you. This should never be a pass or fail design. They should always pass. As I have said a million times since the beginning of the piece, this should be fun, exciting, challenging and strengthen a bond, not be unwanted work, stressful, or end one. Some people don’t even do any of this malarky. You don’t have to. There are no rules in BDSM other than safe, sane and consensual. Things and rituals of this nature are more for the fun and excitement of those involved opposed to set guidelines.
Fun and Benefit for ALL Dynamics
Fun, pleasure and fulfillment is the idea behind all of this, isn’t it? Why does this beautiful part of kink have to be limited to romantic partners that live together? Everyone should have the same freedoms and opportunities romantic dynamics do. I’m going to teach you how to have the same opportunity for fulfillment. I am going to give a base line on the types of training that are reflective to the various dynamic types.
If you have a dynamic that is strictly sexual, they type of training that will be involved will be based around the sexual pleasure and gratification of the top. The training will be based around sex, not the other stuff. The other stuff would just interfere with the idea behind the dynamic and could cause confusion. They are a sexual servant nothing more, why incorporate things of a different nature.
Domestic kink typically involves semi vanilla sex however, the kink is involved around the domestic servitude of the top. Discipline and consequences for not completing domestic duties and objectification can be some of the things incorporated in this type. There is really no need to incorporate anything sexual because there isn’t sex at the top of the totem pole. The kink is circling around the idea of being a domestic servant. However, there is always a hint of sexuality in all of this, so you may want to incorporate sexual aspects, but not sex.
Romantic and co-habitation types of dynamics should probably cover all the basics. Seeing as this is where you and your partner get your everything. But it is wise to choose three basic concepts and go with just those three. If you have taken time to know the depths of your sub, you will know better than anyone where they need the most work. I mean this is also for your benefit. The goal is to be of better service to you and know their place in your relationship.
Platonic dynamics are not very well understood nor are they supposed to be by anyone other than the ones engaging in them. When people see the dynamic, they see the power that lies within it. A lot of platonic dynamics involve partners that are a sexual or mildly autistic and sex is not a desire. A sexual undertone may not be good for those subs and could actually be traumatizing. Service and sensation training may need to be your focus. Then there are those platonic dynamics that sexual undertones and aspects are more than welcomed. There is a deep foundation of trust, boundaries and understanding, so they can handle and enjoy it without confusion. However, the focus should be around service and use that is not intercourse. They are a belonging, an owned servant to a master. Because consensually, that is what they are. Again, knowing your sub allows you to push the limits without breaking them. Teach your sub their valuable place in your life and how to give you the proper respect for your care.
Basics Across the Teachers Knee
Before I go into the types and aspects of training, i need to cover a few kinky basics. These things could be used throughout the life of the relationship or fluctuate and evolve.
Come up with a name your sub will address you as. This could be Mistress, Master, Daddy, Sir, a special nickname or anything slightly different than the vanilla world calls them. This commands a mental space of subservience. You can use this the entire life of the relationship. This is one of those things that can be turned into a 24/7 protocol. It’s good to get them in the habit early. You also need a name they can call you in vanilla settings so that no-one else knows what’s going on, yet the sub remains in the appropriate mindset of subservience. If you are investing time into training them or time into a longer-term commitment, it’s better for everyone involved for them to know their place in the beginning to avoid power struggles later on. Vanilla name could be “dear”, “love”, anything people won’t catch on to. We do have to slightly protect our vanilla lives in a judgmental world. I personally don’t give a shit. However, I do respect those who do.
Get a gauge on your subs comfort with you and themselves. I normally have them undress in front of me, while I remain fully clothed. You can really do that in any type of dynamic. It’s not for a sexual reason. I’m looking to see how they react. Do they immediately undress, or do they hesitate? Do they stand confident, or do they fidget or try to hide parts of themselves? Are they reacting in a way that is due to certain body concerns or is it their confidence in you and the dynamic? If you take a sub to a dungeon, they will more than likely need to be naked or mostly naked to scene. They need to get used to their body being available to you for whatever reason you may have, privately, sexually, or publicly and be confident in that alone. That it is for whatever your pleasure may be. A reason does not need to be provided,it is simply because you commanded it. It also dehumanizes and propertizes.
Get a gauge for your subs pain. You can do this by using a one to ten scale. This is pretty common and effective. I do not use a one to ten scale because my ten is very likely a 25 to someone else. I use a green, yellow and red scale. Green means keep going, yellow means slow it down or I’m close to being at my limit and red means stop. Mostly what I am looking for are their body’s reaction to the hits. I’m looking for goosebumps, clenching, movement, and facial expressions.
Before you go into any depths of physical pain, emotional kink or anything that is involving the modification of the subs behavior to fit your needs, discuss limits. Soft ones are those that may be available after trust or for the right situation. Hard limits are very strong clear nos. Hard limits are off the table and should not be questioned. You should not ask why a hard limit is a hard limit. If the sub chooses to share, be available to listen and listen only. Do not question or push. You don’t know the underlying reason for the limit and if they want to share, they will.
Make sure the sub is aware and mentally prepared for any type of set training. The last thing you want to do is accidentally make the sub think you are upset with them, or they are being punished. If day 3 you are focusing on objectification and the sub isn’t allowed to speak unless spoken to, or they need to refer to themselves as “the sub”, “the sub needs to use the bathroom” etc., they need to be prepared. You don’t have to give the fun away either. Just make sure they are aware of the nature of the days training. Also, all subs should know that during all parts of the dynamic consequences should be expected for undesirable behavior. I think we all are prepared for this before we go into situations like these, but just to be safe, cover your basics so there is no confusion. Part of giving control is giving consent for things of that nature. If a sub thinks there won’t be consequences for undesirable behavior, they may be in over their head, and you may need to re-evaluate the situation. Prepare yourself to commit to these things and follow through. You are in charge of the sub, they are not in charge of you.
We are ending this much like orgasm denial. The bulk of the good stuff will be in part two. Hopefully part two will be available tomorrow evening. I will not leave you with literary blue balls, I promise.