Welcome one and all! Tonight I’m going to discuss the hierarchy of needs in a dynamic. I started my journey in kink at a very young age. I have topped, bottomed, dommed and subbed. One thing that doesn’t change with the evolution of roles is the needs.
We all have wants and needs. A need is something we have to have to feel secure, cared for and safe. A want is something we don’t necessarily have to have. The dynamic will continue on a healthy path even if the want is not met. A need must be met in order for each partner to be ok in the dynamic and feel the things they need to feel in order to have the trust required to continue.
Don’t take on what you can’t take care of
Too often in the world of kink, I see Doms take on subs they can’t care for. A consideration phase is great for new dynamics but even prior to that the responsible thing to do is find out what the needs of the submissive are. We are humans and we get excited over new relationships of any kind and can overlook the most important parts.
It may be fun to have a sexy scene partner, but that person is just that, a person. We go through serious highs and lows from dominance and submission, especially the bottom partner. I personally never realized how low those lows could be until recently. Lows due to submission can affect all sorts of things we may not expect. That is something every top should think about before they play with power and trust.
If you don’t know, ask!
If you don’t know what a sub needs to be healthy, happy and secure how are you going to dominate them in any capacity other than physical contact? You can’t. Or if you do, you may be doing it irresponsibly.
Ask questions and know what you are getting into, before you get into it. It’s very hurtful to anyone when they give you any type of power, loyalty or trust and months down the line you are no longer available. It can be confusing and stressful, especially for subbie females. Not because of gender but because of chemical make up. Genetically born women develop a different sense of connection through emotions. Regardless of how tough a woman attempts to be, she cannot change her chemical makeup. Take into consideration how that stress may affect other parts of their life, self esteem and confidence. BDSM should be taken very seriously. This type of play affects brain chemicals and stress chemicals.
If you know in advance you cannot give a sub the minimum of their needs, no matter how fun and exciting it may seem, don’t be selfish. If you know that you can’t provide the basic needs of the sub don’t waste their time, play with their emotions, violate their trust or abuse the power they lent you. Because that’s precisely what happens when you go into a dynamic, knowing you can’t provide the basics needs. Everyone deserves the basics.
The hierarchy
-Dom-
Submissives needs
Dominants needs
Dominants wants
Submissives wants
-sub-
Dominants needs
Submissives needs
Dominants wants
Submissives wants
Do you see the trend?
When putting each other’s needs first we are able to step outside of ourselves and give adequate attention to the things the other partner deserves, creating the perfect kinky balance
A need is far from a want. A need in a Ds relationship of any kind is the food, water and oxygen of the dynamic. Focusing on the other person’s needs feeds the dynamic by helping each partner grow. It isn’t easy taking time to focus on the needs of others. However, it is necessary to keep both people healthy. If you don’t have the capacity to look beyond yourself then this lifestyle probably isn’t for you.
If your needs are far from the needs of your partner, meet somewhere in the middle on common ground. If you won’t meet in the middle then, you should find a different partner.
We can want our partner to have their needs met, but being willing to do it is a whole other ballgame. We can have good intentions and wants, but actually solidifying is totally different.
Know your own needs too. If you don’t know your needs how can you express them or fulfill anyone else’s? Know yourself before you take on someone else. Subs may be property, but they are living and breathing property with hopes, dreams, wants and needs.
All Things Kink 