I have been having a lot of tech issues lately. Now my modem is giving me problems making blogging less than easy. I have been working on a piece, however, that will have to wait until tomorrow. There is a much more pressing issue at hand. This “issue” is in regards to BDSM and kink courtesy. I have noticed a lot of different things in the kink scene lately and I’m not sure if these things are due to ignorance or disrespect. I am hoping that these “things” are simply due to a lack of education. Educating those interested in this lifestyle is the entire purpose of this website. Am I correct? Yes, I am always correct.
I will be the first to admit, this lifestyle may trigger certain sexual desires you may not even know you had deep inside you. You may be browsing on FetLife or Alt and see something or someone you like. You may stumble across a person that has sexy pictures posted and those pictures may very well trigger your particular kinks. You may become sexually triggered and feel an overwhelming desire to reach out to the person and do everything possible to get them in your bed, over your lap or under your heel. We are all humans and have sexual desires and needs. Sex is one of the basic human “needs”.
There is a way to go about everything in life. If you see something you want, take the time to look at the person’s profile. First look at their sexual identity. Make sure that person is even on the same playing field as you. Is what you want even available? I say this all the time, “only crazy people want what is not available.” We are not crazy people. We are safe, sane and consensual.
Second, take the time to actually read the body of the profile. See what this person is looking for. The next important step is to look for the type of dynamic a person is in.
There are so many different types of dynamics people in this lifestyle pursue. It may even be confusing to an outsider or someone who is new to the lifestyle. We play with power and control there is nothing basic or simple about that.
Just because you think you want something, does not mean you have the right to have it, ESPECIALLY if what you want belongs to someone else.
I can’t break it down any simpler than this: if a submissive is in a dynamic with a dominant, that submissive belongs to that dominant.-plain and simple, the dominant has ownership of the sub regardless of what phase of the relationship they are in. Whether it is consideration or collared and owned, The dominant partner is in charge of the relationship and typically the ultimate authority in all matters regarding the sub. The sub is choosing to be in a dynamic with who they feel has their best interest in mind. If it was not an important part of the person’s life, it would not be listed on a profile or made known in the community.
The extension will vary from dynamic to dynamic. Every relationship has its own rules, guidelines and protocols. Not every dynamic is sexual, they may be looking for a deeper level of trust, understanding, and emotional connection. Not every dynamic is physically monogamous, they may have a wide sexual range that one person cannot satisfy. Not every dynamic is polyamorous. Some kinksters are good old fashioned hopeless romantics. You don’t know what a dynamic may entail.
It may even be confusing reading someone’s profile or flirting with them at a kink event. You may see they are looking for play partners but are in a Ds dynamic. Does that mean they are available? I can’t answer that.
What I can explain is the common courtesy involved in this culture. When you were a kid and wanted a toy that didn’t belong to you, what were we taught? We were taught to ask the person it belongs to. If a sub is available for play, it is common courtesy to ask the top in the relationship before reaching out to the sub. Don’t let your own ego or insecurity stop you from asking the person in charge of decisions. You have a bigger chance of getting shut down by not asking the top in the dynamic. A real sub will not be able to not tell their person and it will look kind of bad on your behalf, regardless of what your intentions are.
There is a deeper reason regarding why submissive people choose to give these types of decisions to the dominant partner. It doesn’t mean what you want isn’t available, it means the dominant needs to make sure you are going to return what belongs to them safely. The dominant partners job is to keep the sub healthy and safe. They put a lot of time and care into building up their sub and that should be respected.
Let’s Go To The Dungeon
Going to the kink club or dungeon for the first time is always life changing and super exciting. You will see things you have probably only fantasized about and meet new interesting people. You will meet people like me. I’m one of a kind baby…but you will meet subs, Doms, tops, bottoms and see in real time what these dynamics look like. You will see people “scene”.
Different dungeons host different types of play. My person and I are both into heavier impact scenes. One thing I think it’s safe to say we both hate is after an intense scene and we are trying to come back to earth, people IMMEDIATELY coming up and trying to engage in deep conversation, not giving space to process and experience aftercare needed or not noticing me sitting at her feet and practically running me over. I know she doesn’t like that.
A scene may be incredibly sexy to the onlooker or intriguing, which are all amazing things. I personally enjoy every part of giving that when Bex and I are at events, down to the public displays of service. But give the partners a second to come down from the highs associated with dominance and submission before you come up to them.
The people engaging need time to process what just happened and give each other the aftercare they need to mentally be ok after the levels of intensity we kinksters play with. As I mentioned before, you don’t know what type of dynamic someone is in and you don’t know what kind of mental state the people engaging were just in. You don’t know what they need to be able to be ok after the scene. The sub may NEED that uninterrupted affection and time with their dom to feel the things they need to feel and to experience that deeper level of care and safety so they can process that pain.
The Dom may need that time to process what they just did to the sub, feel connected and give them that special care unique to the dynamic. Compliments and feedback are always valued and appreciated, just give time before you approach. Let the top drink their post scene beer and let the subbie soak up the attention and head pets from their Dom. It’s scientifically proven the post scene strengthens the Ds bond. We are talking etiquette not science though. That’s another night.
Don’t touch- Don’t Interrupt
I should have mentioned this first. Don’t interrupt a scene, or start asking questions mid scene. Some of us are in a very particular headspace and an interruption can ruin that and make it difficult for the bottom to relax. An interruption may distract the top and be a cause for an accident. My kind advice is: Sit down, shut up and watch.
Don’t touch someone else’s property. I am talking about toys and people. Ask before you grab. Some of us like blood play, you never know what you are touching when you reach for toys that don’t belong to you. You never know what negative effect you could have on a person touching them without consent. You may end up with a negative effect on yourself in doing so.
Wrap It Up Like a Present
In closing my advice is the same that I take. If I don’t know something, I seek my answer. I ask, I read and I process. If something does not belong to me and I want to use it, I ask the person it belongs to. We are pretty understanding, non judgemental and open people in the kink community.
Our relationships and dynamics may be much different, complicated and complex than what others are used to, however that doesn’t mean they aren’t serious to us and worthy of respect. How would a vanilla guy feel if I walked up to his girlfriend and asked her to fuck me in the bathroom (without even consulting him)? He probably wouldn’t appreciate it. Or he might and that would make him kinky. Lol My point is, just because it’s different doesn’t mean it isn’t worthy of respect.
If you just got finished having sex with your wife, would you want a stranger bursting in the room and asking you how last week’s football game went? Or if you just found out your grandmother died would you want someone running up to you asking if you are cooking steak for dinner tonight? Totally different scenarios, but the principal is the same. Give people time to come to earth
Think before you act and have respect for those around you. Use the basic principles from elementary school and you will fit right into our kinky culture. I am sure most of us will gladly accept you with open arms or open hands across your ass.