So, this is something that I think get overlooked and brushed off frequently. When does pushing limits become a violation of consent? I have been in great D/s situations that were based off consent, trust, and all the other good stuff. They may not have worked out for the long haul, but I never felt poorly about myself, in REAL fear (maybe a healthy fear), or violated in a way I didn’t want to be violated in. Trust me, I like to be violated.
Then there were those negative experiences where I got hooked in and some not so nice things happened. I can be open and honest with myself today and admit those situations/”relationships” left me feeling a less than valued, worthless, ugly, confused and at times in fear. However, that’s when we have to take a good look at the situation and determine that the person breaking every boundary, is no longer worthy of having us. We have to accept responsibility at some point and get the fuck out. I know it isn’t easy and sometimes we are not educated enough on the subject, and we unfortunately have to go through rougher tides.
Submissive people aren’t the only ones who can experience these things. I have been on the opposite side and have had “subs” threaten to kill themselves if I leave and all sorts of other crazy shit. The best is when they agree that something is ok and then put parameters on how I live my life. Granted, things change, and things can be discussed, but “no” is a full sentence.
What’s NOT ok
Doing anything a person specifically asks you not to do, is not ok. There is a huge difference between asking someone if they would be willing to try something that they are nervous about and just doing.
The very first time I did a scene with “my person”-Bex, I was nervous about everything, cause that’s just me. I was really leery about a certain toy in her bag. What I did know was I trusted her, and she would not do anything harmful to me. Hurt me, absolutely, and I am more than ok with that. She eased me into the idea, and then the use, and I enjoyed it. That’s pushing a limit. She 100 percent had my consent and did not ask me when I was in subspace. Experiences like that build trust and help you move on to bigger things much more fun things.
My information is based off my own opinions and experiences, I am not the absolute BDSM authority. My experiences will be different than many others. I read these “cosmo” type articles on BDSM and they crack me up. Some of those “types” of articles talk about “ignoring” your sub. I think that is also a form of abuse. I get it, if you are mad, cool off or whatever, but depriving a person of attention and interaction as a form of punishment is pretty shitty, and it causes insecurities in the relationship and breaks the subs trust. I am not the only person that thinks that. I have asked many. I think it’s safe to say that even though we may not want negative attention, it still shows that your person has value for you and they care enough to want to better you as a human. There are many, many, many things you can come up with to correct a negative behavior without ignoring your person. I can literally think of 10 off the top of my head.
Never hit a person in anger, even if it is on their ass. It is a different type of impact and when emotions get carried away and harm can come. The goal is to hurt not harm. The goal is to correct, redirect and build. Cool off and be creative. Would you want someone hitting you out of anger?
Don’t disclose personal things or information that is not yours, without consent. I didn’t even want to write anything with my person’s name or anything that could remotely have been related to her, because I didn’t want to violate her consent. Granted, she had to tell me I could cause I didn’t even want to ask. The reason is, I was just brought up in this life to respect the privacy and vanilla lives of others. That goes for pictures, information, play, sex and anything else that is intimate between you and your partner. That is standard in this community and its common respect.
Don’t ask a sub something consent based when they are deep in subspace. Listen, when I am deep in subspace I can barely walk and probably sound drunk. I am lucky I can even get dressed and sometimes need help with that. So, how I am going to answer a question? For those of you that don’t know what subspace is, it is the euphoric feeling or high, you experience during and after a large intake of pain. The body starts producing hormones to make you feel good after feeling pain. That is the simplest way to put it.
Making someone feel bad about their self-image is also crappy and violating consent. Some girls might like being called a “slut” and some don’t. You have to get to know your person and ask. I think it’s hot. But does that mean I want to get called that in a negative fashion? No. Use common sense. Some people like being degraded and if you are topping/dominating them, it’s your job to get a gauge of what is ok. You can’t always expect the person on the bottom to give everything up, you have to put in some effort as well. That being said, subbie people need to express themselves and not accept things they deem as “unacceptable” just to try to please the other person. No-one wants a mindless sub and if they do, you need to haul ass.
What I recommend is putting a little effort into getting to know the person you are playing with. It is not that difficult to ask questions and get answers. You might even feel weird or uncomfortable but get over it. You will be glad you did.
Blurred Lines
On the flip side- If you are vibing with a top or dom and taking things a little further, you very well may be asked to do things that you don’t “want” to do. That’s even more true as you progress into the training phase of your D/s relationship. The D partner has gotten to know you better and how they want to build you to better serve them (and you of course). That’s kind of how this works. There is a difference between a boundary break and a push.
If you agree to follow a set of rules or agree to not do or do certain things and you don’t follow through, you can’t expect to NOT be punished. That’s kind of what we signed up for. We are consensually giving another person a form of authority and command over us. One of the things this lifestyle is based on is disciple (among many other things). A “punishment” will probably be something you don’t “want” to do. It should NEVER be something that breaks your hard limits, puts you in danger, creates fear or self-loathing. Writing a bunch or repetitive junk, standing in one place, cleaning, orgasm denial, the list is huge….if it doesn’t HARM you or break a hard boundary, suck it up, REMEMBER, you asked for this and there is probably some part of your being that enjoys the discipline. I live in the world of self-acceptance my friends aka- reality.
If things like that are things, you are not willing to do for your person then you should consider submissive roleplay opposed to living the lifestyle. There is a difference between the two and I have written about the subject a few times. If the person in charge of the relationship is asking or directing you to do something along those lines, it’s because they want what’s best for you and that should be treated with respect. They are taking time out of their life to care for you in the fashion you crave and desire. The D partner is also a human, and it is hurtful to them when you agree to something and then don’t follow through. If you have a legit problem with a rule or direction you need to speak up before you agree. Submission should not be subjective as long as the practice is safe, sane and consensual.
Feeling Safe
So yes, I am going to get all cheesy. Even though we are playing with power, control, pain, humiliation, and whatever else it may be that you play with, you should still feel cared for and safe. Feeling safe while getting the shit beat out of you might sound oxymoronic. If that statement does sound crazy to you, then you may be in the wrong place, and I can direct you to the vanilla love and relationship blog I sometimes write for.
I feel “safe” when the RIGHT person is in charge. That’s just the reality of it. I have also written about self-acceptance, and let me reiterate, the more you know yourself, the better you can get what you are looking for and need in a dynamic. If you don’t know yourself or have any particular set of interests, then how can you give consent? I get the exploring and trying aspect, but you have to have a base idea.
When I feel at ease and trust a person, I am willing to explore things I may not have even imagined doing before, therefore clearing a space for me to give consent. My current D/s is still early on, and we are “considering” each other, and still learning things about each other. However, there are a few things I know without a doubt. I know I will not be harmed; I know my limits are respected; I know I can freely express myself and ask questions; I know I am cared for in a way that’s good for me, and I know I am safe. Those things are what make me feel confident in trying things that may be different for me. I know that I am not going to be asked to do something that will put me in any negative space. I might get a little push here and there, but I need it. I need to step outside of my box, and I am always happy I did. It’s easier to step out of the box when it is with someone who makes you feel safe and cared for. The idea is for both parties to enjoy themselves and have a clear understanding of each other.
Respect hard no’s and gently push the areas of opportunity. We all have areas of opportunity that we may not even see. That’s why those of us who chose to live our lives in this fashion are so fortunate. People ask me why I choose to live an “alternative” lifestyle. I want to ask them why they don’t. It’s a different type of expression of affection, but it is an expression I understand and can respect. It isn’t always easy or simple, but the end result is worth it.
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All Things Kink 