I am going to talk about what submissive headspace is and means. It is not the same thing as subspace. Subspace is essentially the “high” a person feels after being dominated. The headspace is the mental mindset of being submissive. The appropriate mindset is needed to maximize your full potential as a sub so you can be of full service and use to your Dominant or Top. Yes, there is a difference between Top and Dom and I will cover that at a later date.
I am not a submissive person in my everyday life. I am actually very dominant in everything I do. It is very hard for me to exist any other way. I am accustomed to living a life with high stress and responsibility: jobs (even this new job is throwing responsibilities at me early), taking care of my family, my recovery life and so forth. Even though I have attempted to take a step-back from all that, it is not working, because it is not in my nature. I can’t resist the urge to take control and fix things. I like to be in control of EVERYTHING.
It is hard for me to accept my true wants. It’s even harder to “let go” and allow my true desires to take over. Inside my heart’s desire is to give up control and relinquish it to someone other than myself. I battle with this frequently and I KNOW I am not the only one, hence why we are here, in my personal headspace. It’s actually very normal to want to resist your authentic cravings. It is also very normal to resist when being directed by your D partner. It probably won’t work out well for the resisting submissive, but that’s why there are various phases to any D/s dynamic. Things tend to get a little more intense and limits get pushed the further you progress with your relationship.
How do you open yourself up to the direction?
Everyone is going to have their set “things” that allow them to step into the submissive headspace. I have read on many websites some subs listen to “submissive affirmations” to prepare them for a scene or service. You can actually look these affirmations up on YouTube, if you need help. Affirmations wouldn’t do it for me, personally, but we are all different.
Practicing slave poses may help others get into their groove. You can also google this subject and get an idea of what they look like. Again, another area NOT of my expertise. However, I try to cover as many bases as possible.
I like to dress accordingly. Most of the time, I wear Jordans, hoodies, t-shirts and even wife beaters, in my “normal” life. When I am going to a kink event with my person or I know am going to scene with her, I make sure I am properly dressed. I put on make-up, wear little tutu’s, high heels, fishnets and the ridiculous list goes on, this list does get ridiculous. This puts me in the role of being submissive. I can’t explain why, but it does. Plus, I want my person to know I am putting a LOT of effort into being the best sub in the room, for them and their use. I guess it is the idea of shedding my normal life and becoming my inside self. If I know I am going to have an in-person interaction, even if it’s in a vanilla state, I still do something, even if it’s little (girly panties-even if I am the only one who knows I am wearing them-, make-up, tight pants) because those things make me feel less in control and more submissive. I cannot tell you why, but they do.
I ask for direction. I don’t really want to at first, but when I hear the positive response, I am more in the headspace. Because, the reality is, I do want it.
Self-talk, similar to the affirmations, is a go to for me as well. I remind myself that I am in a safe place to just be me, with a person who has no negative intention. I also assure myself that it is ok to let go and let them run things. I remind myself that this is in fact what I want, and it is perfectly ok to have it. I let the day, stress and world around me go. In this moment and for this time, all I need to worry about is being of service to my person. Everything else can wait. BUT make sure your self-talk is accurate. Don’t gas yourself up if you don’t trust the person dominating you.
There is only so much you can do to put yourself in the mindset, your D partner should be triggering this headspace as well. Well, if they want to keep their submissive, submissive they will. Of course, you have your normal day to day interactions, but knowing and accepting the Dominant partner is ultimately in control of the relationship helps things run smoother (at least for me).
Privately and publicly serving your person is a huge headspace trigger for some. Not sex, dirty birds. A good example for private is cooking for them and cleaning up, fixing things, or making things for them. At events, being asked to do certain things like carry their bag, clean up the toys (if you are able to being in subspace), take off their shoes, put up or carry their jacket, sit at their feet (all personal favorites). Those service-related actions are great ways to trigger sub headspace. Those are the types of things my “person”, Bex does for me.
Hearing certain things will trigger me into sub headspace as well. I think every subbie girl likes hearing they are a good girl or a sweet girl, but for some of us, it throws us into the headspace a little deeper. Hearing the reminder that your person has a sense of ownership over you and your body can be headspace triggering as well. When I get a text message or hear those words i get all warm and subby.
Giving up control of motor functions is great for pre-scene sub headspace. What may seem like a little thing to an onlooker can be a big thing to the people involved. Telling a sub to close their eyes, look down, put their hands behind their back, or to get on their knees is an assertion of dominance and makes the submissive feel a lack of control and at the person in controls will.
I have anxiety, well hidden, but very bad. Being told to take deep breaths also keeps me personally in a triggered headspace of following direction and helps me at the same time. I get nervous at events and doing scenes at first. However, once I have been pushed into submissive headspace, nothing around me matters, I direct my attention to my person and follow what they ask, and I am always happy I did.
Letting go is probably the most challenging part of any of this. The desire is in the heart, yet the mind may want to resist. I feel there is a legit reason for that: The heart is deceitful above all things. I am sure you have heard that a time or two. I believe the mind is trying to protect us from the desires of the heart. I could be wrong. I am pretty far out there most of time. What I mean with all my philosophical conviction is, most of us have probably been conditioned to believe that our way of life is strange or dangerous, therefore when we discover we crave discipline, submission, structure, pain and so on, our mind tries to tell us “No”
It can be even more challenging if you feel unsure of yourself, if you are pre-occupied with concerns for the other persons attraction, care, value or use for you. The idea is to be at a point where you are confident enough in your relationship to not have those feelings. Those feelings are NOT abnormal, you would be a fool to not question those things in the very beginning. However, those things will prevent you from being able to let go and dive deep into the mindset required for fulfilling D/s activities. Confidence in the relationship is the foundation for letting go. Once a person can let go of the exterior and “control” they can delicately slip into the appropriate mental space. If a person is confident in the Dominants mutual need and want, nothing else will really matter. The self-doubt and image concerns will drift, because they won’t matter. What other people think won’t matter, because the submissive’s focus will be directed to serving the desires of the Dominant partner, which should be making both partners the best versions of themselves possible. The feeling of having a small piece of the world you are %100 safe in will alleviate any need to block your mind from giving your heart what it wants.
Does any of this happen overnight? If it does, I think you are full of shit. You may have good vibes from the beginning which is a fantastic start. The really good stuff just gets better over time. Each week that passes, each conversation you have, each experience you share SHOULD be strengthening the bond and trust. The more you interact and open up, the more comfortable you feel and the more fulfilling the dynamic can be for both parties.