Those fuzzy subbie feelings

Not everything in BDSM has to be necessarily sexual in that moment. It can be simply a feeling that brings you a sense of relief and escape from the stress of daily life. Not to say you can’t put the idea of it in the spank bank, but not everything in that moment has to be related to anything, it can simply just be. Typically, everything I write and discuss is from a love, relationship or emotional standpoint. The reason I focus on that, is because, that is what I know and am comfortable explaining through my own life travels.

However, I have discovered something new (for me) and fun. I have always been a person who enjoys feeling pain inflicted by another human. I can’t explain why and if I get hung up on the “why”, that will be another therapy bill I do not want to pay. I am sure I have paid off many young psych Dr’s student loans with just my own sessions.

Obviously, the feelings associated with being dominated may bring some of us a sense of pleasure even if it is not sexual. The feeling after pain is almost euphoric. Even the act of following orders and directions from another human brings a euphoric stance to someone who craves submission. The body has a natural response to help you “recover” after higher-than-normal amounts of pain, it produces endorphins and dopamine. I think anyone into kink is familiar with that. Particularly, as a person who has a “lust” for things that make their body feel good or different (recovering addict), the feeling is probably much higher and intense than that of a “normal” person. I can’t be certain; however, I am pretty sure that is an accurate statement,

A person who has a job like mine or has a life that involves heavy stress or dominance will produce higher levels of cortisol (stress hormone) and testosterone (dominance hormone) on a daily basis. Yes, women produce testosterone. When a person with these predominate hormones engages in a “scene” involving submission those levels decrease. The stress decreases and the brain functions on a more relaxed plane.

Keep in mind, those levels decrease when a scene goes WELL. Just like in life, not everything goes “well” all the time. I have read several studies that describe when the scene goes wrong, the person following orders or in other words “on the receiving end”, actually had an increase in the levels of cortisol, particularly higher in women submissives.

That is why I always say, trust the person you kink with. Even if it’s just for fun or scene and not romantically or sexually intimate, still pick a person you vibe with on that level. If a person can’t read you, your pain response, or your emotional response, you could cause yourself more stress than good. A positive can quickly turn negative.

I can’t tell you how to pick a person, because I have no idea. I don’t think my “advice” on choosing is helpful. This is just me and my opinion and how my brain operates when it comes to who I WANT to kink with. Please do not take what I say in this matter to heart, but TRUTHFULLY, I look for a woman who I feel is “stronger” than me. I know that sounds odd and has nothing to do with common safety and all the IMPORTANT stuff. But I guess subconsciously it does. Very rarely do I come across women I feel are stronger than me in any respect. I don’t mean physical strength, I mean personality, emotions, charisma, resourcefulness or cunning for life. In regular life, I am very responsible, attentive to others, manage high levels of stress and I have a strong personality. So, I look for someone I feel tops that, literally. I find that appealing. If not, I would have zero interest in submitting to them on any level, sexual, or non-sexual. Once again, that is just me and my fucked-up mindset. That is not a real value on how to gauge if someone is trustworthy for you to participate in any BDSM activity with. That is just an example of how my mind works. Everyone is different.

Watch people “scene” and see what type of things catch your interest. There are plenty of sadists and plenty of masochists out there willing to fulfill your desires, whatever they may be. Play safe, pick your poison with great care. Remember to not focus on the why, focus on the what about it. Use BDSM as an avenue of self-care and expression, not self-harm. Too often I have seen people attempt to use this “freedom” aka BDSM as a way to manipulate another person into helping them harm themselves. That is not what this is about. This is the opposite, finding your relief and fulfillment. Most of us are looking for very specific things. We may not always get EVERYTHING we want from one person and that is ok. Life is not always about getting everything. Sometimes it can be ok getting a little satisfaction here and there until you find what you are ultimately looking for. But until then why not have a little bit of fun exploring new things and ultimately yourself. I would rather live a life with fumbles, than be an old lady wishing I let go a little.