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Collars and Cupcakes

This post has nothing to do with cupcakes. I just enjoy the taste of soft, warm, confectionaries melting in my mouth. Shall we save that for another post? I think so.

Collars and collaring seem to be a rather controversial topic in the BDSM community. I believe the reason is so many people have a different conception on what a collar is, what it symbolizes and the love and commitment behind it.

What is a collar?

It can be made leather, chain, steel or even a tight-fitting necklace (in a vanilla setting) that is worn around a subs neck. Simply what it is, a collar.

What does a collar symbolize?

Locking Ownership/Day Collar

Ok, this is where shit gets crazy, people start throwing ball gags and voices get elevated. Maybe I am being a tad dramatic. People have a different ideas and conceptions about almost everything in life, am I right? Of course, people will have different ideas on the symbolism of a collar.

Before you accept a collar

Before accepting or giving a collar to someone, know what your partners idea of a collar is. Your opinion may be very different than theirs. Ask them what a collar represents to them and ask what they expect of you. You may not want to provide the level of commitment accompanied with that person’s expectations; or you may have a grander vision of what a collar is than they do. This will avoid long term hurt and confusion.

Restraint Collar/Bondage Collar

Don’t rush the process

I think most people in the kink community would agree, a collar is something that should be treasured. You can earn a collar by obeying and pleasing your Dominant or completing their training process. A Dominant can earn the acceptance of the submissive by providing a stable and loving emotional and mental space for them to flourish. There is no set amount of time in which a collar should be given or taken

When I was married, the collar and bracelet/anklet aspect of our marriage was more important to me than a ring. Those items symbolized the ownership of my soul, the control of my body and the protection and value of my life. Who needs a ring when you can have all of that? Those ideas are not to be taken lightly.

It is also not to be given without great consideration, patience, understanding, acceptance and love. If you are not ready to fully commit all of those things, I would highly advise against offering a collar of any kind. Even a training or consideration collar means that one day you would like to be in a more permanent place with your partner. I think it goes without saying, submissive folks tend to be sensitive by nature and great emotional pain can come with a lightly given collar.

Questions to ask yourself before accepting a collar

Questions to ask yourself before giving a collar

I am a person that spends much time in my head, for valid reasons. The more I analyze a situation, the better prepared I am to proceed. Before I gave or accepted a collar, I would ask myself the questions I have listed above.
Your list may be more thorough than the one I provided, which is great. Know yourself, know your needs and make sure you get them. If I could not answer yes to all of those questions and more, than I would not proceed with giving or accepting a collar. It doesn’t mean that you can’t revisit it in the future. It just means you need more time to explore life, love, kink and intimacy with your partner.

The L word and relationships

Relationships are complicated because we as humans are complicated. People ask me all the time to write about my experiences with love. I avoid those subjects because of my own complexity and lack of success. I could definitely write a what NOT to do, who not to date and where not to meet people. However, I don’t think that would be as contusive.

But one thing I do know a lot about is rushing into things, being impatient and making emotionally charge choices, that being said, my advice to you is to take it slow and know what you are getting into. Ask your partner questions and self-reflect. Remember to most people in the kinky community as collar is almost like a wedding ring, if not, at least a symbol of serious commitment. Don’t accept a wedding ring because of a banging orgasm and a little subspace. Use your brain not your vagina to make the appropriate decision.

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