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First and foremost, I am not a doctor or a therapist. If you are in need of psychological help, please seek a professional
Is BDSM a healthy headspace for abuse survivors?
I firmly believe BDSM can be an outlet for anyone, regardless of their past. I personally have been through trials and tribulations, waging anywhere from sexual abuse to abusive relationships. I am passionate about BDSM because it is the only thing that has given me freedom to be in relationships, sexual and otherwise. That is why I work 50-60 hours a week at a vanilla job and still come home and spend hours building and developing this site. I want to give everyone the same freedom I was granted.
Are we crazy?
That is subjective. Maybe we are. Why overthink it? Until 2013 BDSM was considered a mental illness, until further research involving controlled groups concluded, that people who did practice these types of sexual behaviors were more psychologically stable, conscious of others, extrovert and open. That study was done on a control group of 905 individuals. So, I don’t really think it matters what anyone thinks as long as you are practicing with consent and communication.
Take Back Control
When a person of any gender is sexually abused, they lose their sense of control in regard to sex. The sense of safety and security is typically lost as well. Sex can become hated and feared. The survivor can also lose interest in sex completely. I personally experienced all of those things.
BDSM can be used as a way to regain the control in a safe space. Regardless of what role you chose, you are in control. Pain can be redefined through masochism and sadism. You can be in control of giving pain which is incredibly empowering. If you are not fond of the idea of giving, you can be liberated in how much pain you are willing to receive. You can redefine your ideas and tolerance of pain, in correlation to what may equate pleasure.
You can also explore reconstructing aspects of yourself or sex which have been harmed or distorted. If certain scenarios were damaged because of abuse, you can recreate them in a healthy way. You can be the one in control of the said situation. You can turn something tainted into something pleasurable and beautiful. Trauma play can also be effective in recreating the scenarios and changing the outcome to one of which is positive.
Regardless of what role you chose, each has its own way of accepting love and care from another person. Dominant partners may find they enjoy the obedience, power, and loyalty involved with having a submissive partner. Submissive may find they crave the care, control, security, attention or sexual objectification associated with having a Dominant partner. It’s whatever YOU crave.
Self-acceptance
Even from being in physically abusive relationships, my idea of consent and love was very distorted for a long time. I lost all sense of security in myself and in relationships. I still desired certain control and masochistic things even after healing. Those things may or may not be a result of abuse. I have discovered it doesn’t really matter where they came from. They are here and they simply just exist. I can spend my life in longing, or I can spend it having the things I want. Today I choose to get what satisfies all of my desires.
For years I believed I was broken, unworthy of love and would never find what wanted. I learned I could still have the things I desire in a healthy and safe way with the right partner or partners. A way that was fitting to my wants and needs. I found what I was really looking for did not mirror abuse in anyway. I discovered what I enjoy may involve power, control, or pain, but it is also dependent on love, consent, communication and respect. I had to look deep inside myself and accept who I am. As I said before, my likes may or may not be stemmed from the past. I honestly do not know, nor do I care. I spent years analyzing and evaluating my mind, just to drive myself more insane and make myself feel more fucked up. Until one day I decided to stop analyzing and just be. I have been so much happier and freer since I accepted myself.
Security
Being harmed by the person who is supposed to love you is devastating, regardless if that is a romantic partner or an adult from childhood. After all of growth opportunities (I use that term, because you can stay planted in crap or you can grow) I felt emotionally insecure with myself. The person I loved more than life physically, sexually, and emotionally abused me. I lost my sense of safety and security. However, eventually I was able to emulate and regain the security and safety I needed through BDSM. I have switched roles many times depending on my partner. Each role and each dynamic have given me the ability to have a sense of security I would not otherwise find.
Submissive people are able to rely on the safe space a Dominant can provide. A Dominant provides control, routine, discipline and care. They provide the safety to be yourself and the best version of you to suit their needs (which should always be what’s truly best for the submissives wellbeing). Discipline is in the form of love to make the submissive better. Even the punishment factor is always for the wellbeing of the submissive. It strengthens the ties and makes the submissive feel secure and cared for.
The admiration and loyalty a submissive gives will make the Dominant feel needed and cared for. Being needed (in a healthy way) is an incredible sense of security and safety for those who enjoy a Dominant role. The physical affection most submissive partners enjoy giving accompanied by their “needy” nature can be the ultimate reward for a Dominant who has experienced past abuse. Caring for another human and their emotional reliance on you can give satisfaction in areas that may be lacking due to past trauma.
Communicate
Always partner with someone you trust. Even if your relationship is only for BDSM play, make sure you have found someone you feel comfortable opening up to. Do not confuse this with unloading all of your baggage.
I know firsthand how difficult it may be to say “no” when you are trying to please someone. That goes for both roles. Saying “no” is encouraged in BDSM. The practice is about consent and appropriate boundaries. Find someone you feel comfortable discussing your boundaries with. You never have to go into detail. You simply have to express them.
When you are just getting involved with someone, sometimes a “script” may be helpful. I know it sounds corny. However, it can be an avenue to give your partner an idea of the type of play you are interested in pursuing. This can alleviate that awkward feeling of verbally discussing something that you may not be ready to look someone in the eye and say out loud.
It is ALWAYS appropriate and necessary to discuss what you are NOT comfortable with. You need to be upfront and let your person know what you do not want them doing, touching or saying. I know many kinksters and I feel safe saying, we are not interested in harming or mentally damaging anyone. What words may be arousing to me, may be traumatizing to you. The idea is not to relive something painful. The concept is for you to reconstruct your new normal.
Watch Porn
Yes, I am telling you to watch porn. Look at different types of BDSM porn and see what might be appealing to you. Pornhub community is a great branch on http://www.pornhub.com that caters to the BDSM, lesbian, gay, queer and kinky folk. Briefly scan through topics that seem appealing, but make sure you are in a good head space. Some of the stuff out there is pretty harsh. No need to bring up past issues that are already laid to rest. When I am looking for new ideas, I am always very specific in my search, this way I do not come across something I don’t want to see. If I am scanning through and I even think it may be too violent, I don’t even open it. Remember, you can’t unsee things.
Always remember there is a huge difference between fantasy and reality. What might look appealing on video might not be so appealing in real life. Take that into consideration before you push yourself too hard. Start slow and see where it takes you.
Make a Checklist
Before you jump into anything, sit with yourself and make a checklist.
I am going to list an example of common BDSM practices. Next to each kink write on a scale of 1-10 how comfortable you are with the activity. This will give you an idea of the things you need to discuss with your partner before engaging.
- Restraints (ropes, bondage tape, being physically held down)
- Sensory Deprivation (blind folds- ear covers)
- Speech Prevention (ball gags, underwear/panties in mouth, bit gags)
- Impact Play (this means the act of impact, very simple. Be specific with yourself. Butt- hand spanking, paddle, crop, belt, wooden spoon, cane; Legs and Thighs, – hands, cane, paddle, etc.; Breast slapping, Face slapping, Vagina/Penis slapping)
- Verbal Degradation (use of “derogatory words ex- slut, whore, bitch, cunt etc. Decide if any of those words will bring back traumatic memories)
- Anal and Vaginal penetration and stretching (Think about what kind and size you are comfortable exploring)
- Nipple Clamps/Penis Weights
- Blood Play (Self Explanatory- But let’s be safe, cutting, vampire gloves- please explore this with safety)
- Roleplay/Age play (think about what may make you feel uncomfortable or re-traumatized- Daddy/Mommy play)
- Feminization (Some women may no longer feel comfortable being objectified and feminized after certain types of traumas, some will desire it more)
- Rape/Kidnapping Force play (This may be an off-limits area or one of peaked interest for survivors of abuse)
- Saliva (spit on the face, vagina, anus or in mouth)
- Sensation Play (Dragging fingernails, Wartenberg pinwheels, tickles)
- Hairpulling
- Breath Play (choking)
Those are some basic examples of common BDSM play scenarios. You can use that as a guide to determine what you are ready for. There are somethings you may never want to experience. This may or may not be because of trauma. There doesn’t always have to be an underlying reason for anything. There are somethings I will never have interest in exploring again or ever and that is ok. Somethings are off limits for me because of trauma or because I simply do not enjoy them. I do not force myself to do anything that I am not 100 percent ok with. The right partner will not want that for you either. BDSM play is intended to push the parameters of the things you are comfortable with, not the things you aren’t. The idea is to empower yourself and give yourself sexual and emotional liberation again. If you think something is going to damage your progress and growth, then just let it be. The reason you are thinking it, is because somewhere in your psyche you are trying to protect a sensitive area.
A Word to My Subbie Survivors
If you are submissive, the right Dominant will never want to cause you real physical or emotional harm. I always say, “The Dominants job is to help mold you into the best version of yourself”. Their desire will be to keep you safe and secure in any way they can. They will naturally have a desire to protect you. They may push your pain threshold, but only if that is something you are accepting of. If you are with someone who expects you to do things that are emotionally of physically damaging, they are abusing you. That is not BDSM. There are wicked people out there, that will attempt to cover abuse as BDSM. That is wrong, evil and to me, the most disgusting thing a human being can do. If you are experiencing any type of abuse, know your worth and walk away.
Dominant Survivors
I found taking on the role as a fulltime Dominant or even roleplaying as a Top quite empowering. I discovered that it was a great release for my pent-up anger and aggression. I also loved having the control associated with the role. The security that relates to caring for a submissive, punishing them, disciplining them, building them up, and giving them a safe space to be their best selves can be the most rewarding and therapeutic experience one can have. However, remember with great power comes great responsibility. Don’t let the gift of submission get to your head. Remember what a gift it truly is. Do not become what others in the past were to you. Sometimes in the moment when things are hot and heavy, and we are highly aroused past memories and experiences may rise from your subconscious into the forefront of your brain without you even noticing. When those experiences seep into the sexual arousal you are experiencing, mixed with the submissives response to being dominated, you may find yourself a little too worked up. I know at times I would have to catch myself before I crossed a line I would later regret. Take a deep breath, slow down, check in with your partner and yourself. Remember you are in control of your emotions and dominate with care and responsibility.
With that being said, do not let your past hold you back from dominating your person appropriately. They are submissive to you because they want to be. They see something in you that is exciting and arousing and they want the domination you can give. They want to be guided and controlled (in a healthy consensual way). If you chose this role, it is because there is something in you that desires power, control or even sadism. However, if you do not truly feel comfortable with inflicting pain, humiliation, pushing certain limits, or guiding another human, then maybe it really isn’t for you and that is totally ok. Don’t allow someone to Top you into a role you don’t feel complete in. That in itself is a form of abuse. Everyone deserves to be happy in their life, role and emotional space.
If you are being abused or know someone who is being abused, please reach out to one of these hotlines. You may save someone’s life, yours included.
Remember the Buddhist principal, “All life has value”
National Domestic Abuse Hotline – 1-800-799-7233
National Sexual Assault Hotline -1-800-656-4673
National Human Trafficking Hotline- 1 (888) 373-7888
All Things Kink 