S&M and Punishment-Not The Same

S&M is the act of deriving sexual pleasure from giving and receiving pain

Punishment is used to correct unwanted behaviors of your submissive. THEY AREN’T SUPPOSED TO LIKE IT.

S&M- Sadism and Maschocism

The definition says it all. A sadist enjoys inflicting pain, and a masochist enjoys taking it. There are people in the BDSM culture that enjoy intense levels of pain. There are some that even enjoy being kicked or punched. A masochist is anyone that gets sexual pleasure from pain. That is why you should always ask yourself, “what about this am I enjoying?”. It may not be the pain you enjoy; it may be the humiliation aspect. If that is the case, you are not necessarily a masochist. If you care for a subbie that enjoys intense amounts of pain or severe spankings, then spanking them really wouldn’t be considered a punishment, now, would it? No worries, there are ways around everything.

Punishment- When? Why? and How?

First thing is first, consent. Do not start punishing anyone until you fully have their consent. Prior to engaging in any BDSM activity limits need to be discussed and consent needs to be given. The submissive needs to be a willing participant in everything that happens. That may not like the punishment; however, they need to give consent. May sound crazy to vanilla folks, but it is pretty normal to kinksters.

Punishment is an important part of any Ds dynamic. If there are no consequences for negative behavior, then your Ds relationship is simply roleplay. I suggest sitting down with your submissive and going over your rules and expectations of their behavior. The submissive needs to know how you expect them to behave. It isn’t really fair to punish someone for breaking your rules, if they didn’t know there was a rule. A great example would be, punishing a submissive for not washing the dishes after dinner. If the submissive does not know that’s what you expect, then it would be pretty unfair to punish them for it.

When you are training your submissive the punishment should be something they do not like or enjoy. If you want to stop a habit or correct an unwanted behavior, then the punishment should be something that deters them from wanting to make the same mistake. The submissive is giving themselves to you, so you can train them to your liking. Just DO IT! Make sure your punishment is appropriate to the rule violation.

-Things NOT to do-

Some Dominant partners take attention away from their subbies. I highly advise against that. Taking attention away can break trust, cause emotional hurt and insecurities in the submissive. It can make them question themselves and their confidence in you as a Dom. The goal of punishment is to teach them to follow your direction and orders, not to cause them real harm. Effective punishment can strengthen the bond and deepen the connection. If it’s attention they want, GIVE IT TO THEM, doesn’t mean they have to like it.

Never punish your submissive when you are angry. Emotions in these types of relationships can get intense and some submissives are difficult to train. Make sure you are cool, calm and collected before you begin any type of punishment, especially impact play. If you are angry, you could possibly hurt the submissive more than you intended to. This should be a learning experience for the submissive, teaching them to better serve you. You do not want to cause real fear.

Don’t wait too long to hand out the punishment. If the submissive broke the rule today, it is more beneficial to administer the punishment today. You want the situation to be fresh in their mind. Waiting a week for today would be pretty confusing and counterproductive.

If you are not available to interact with them immediately, make them aware that it is coming when you see them. However, don’t make them dwell on it. The anticipation will linger in their mind without you having to remind them.

-What to Do-

Let your submissive know why they are being punished. Express what they did wrong in a calm caring fashion. It is better to sit down alone and in private to have these kinds of conversations. Look them in the eye and sit close to them. Not only does it build the anticipation, but it also creates intimacy. Explain to them what is going to happen and reiterate why.

Always punish from a place of love and care. The lesson is more effective that way. Sometimes it is hard for a submissive to accept their place and submission, expressing your reasons and care help them accept their choice. Before you begin any punishment ask your submissive if they understand why, you are doing it. They need to have an understanding of why you are doing it.

Give plenty of aftercare. Not giving aftercare is worse than not getting consent. The submissive is allowing you the pleasure of Dominating them, show them gratuity after. Being punished can stir up a lot of feelings that may be a little overwhelming for any submissive. Assure them they are cared for and forgiven. Give physical affection and positive reassurance. Allow them to reciprocate these words and actions. As we kinksters know this may be one of the few times in life that person truly feels an intimate connection associate with care for their wellbeing. Let them show you they appreciate you taking time to help them be better.

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