This is a subject I am a little more experienced in. I am going to stress the same thing I would to a Domme who is in recovery from addiction as well, “Take your time! DO NOT RUSH INTO ANYTHING!” I know first-hand how exciting the thought of being whisked away by some hot Domme is, especially when you are fresh off the stuff, and your emotions and hormones are running rampant. The feeling of wanting sexual intimacy again is taking over your better thinking…..yeah, I can relate to all that, but, do not play yourself. Give yourself at least a year or more (more suggested for a Ds relationship) before you make any changes or serious choices. Entering a Ds relationship is a serious choice, that requires time, trust and communication. If you can’t trust yourself to not get drunk or high, then you are PROBABLY not in a position to hand yourself over to a partner. I say this to even my vanilla friends who are in recovery, “Present yourself as a gift to your partner. Your baggage does not count as a gift.” I am not trying to ruin anyone’s wet dreams, but there are a lot of things that happen in that first year of recovery, that are absolutely magical, and it doesn’t need to be deluded with the focus of any type of committed relationship. Also, when you are playing with power and control you are putting yourself in an even more vulnerable position. That first year of recovery is about vulnerability relationships and sex aside. You’re learning how to live again. Too much will put anyone into an emotional overdrive. Heart break and hurt is going to hit way harder because you are dealing with intense complicated emotions that you have not experienced in a very long time due to the drug use. So, throw BDSM in the mix and it could get way out of hand.
Emotions-Obsession-Overthinking
Those are three things any addict does in overdrive. I am not a doctor, but I do get around in the recovery community (not like that, naughty ones). I have spent and do spend a lot of time with people in all phases of their recovery, and EOO is something I have in common with all of them.
Emotions are going to be new and powerful. Thats something I personally still struggle with. They almost overpower my rational thinking. I know I am not the only one. Then the obsession of the simplest things come into play, followed by overthinking the obsession.
Let’s play this out rationally: It doesn’t make sense to just hop into a relationship that involves giving someone else control. BDSM is addicting, we all know that. Instead of that focus being on getting healthy enough to make an educated and rational choice to give the RIGHT person control, the vulnerable unhealthy person is going to hand it over to a person they THINK is right. Half the time, when we are fresh in recovery, we can’t even decide what we are going to do a week from now. How can we decide if we want to give power to someone else? You have to be healthy enough to know yourself and have a relationship with yourself before you are in any capacity to decide if Johnny down the street should be your new Daddy Dom. Which I myself have made many stupid choices when I first got sober, and they didn’t end well, fortunately I am alive to talk about it. You may not be as lucky.
The “training phase” may be too much on an emotionally unhealthy submissive. The training phase of a Ds relationship can be taxing on a healthy person, depending on the type of dynamic you have with your Domme/Dom. During this phase, submissives frequently struggle with the internal conflict of submitting. That internal conflict is present in people who DON’T struggle with addiction, so imagine how much more present that will be in your mind. It is manageable when your mind is healthy and ready. The things your Top may do to push your limits, could break you if you are not in a good emotional place. If there hasn’t been proper communication about limits, you’re setting yourself up for the okie doke. If you have body image issues and your Dom/Domme is unaware of that because they think you are a hottie, and they say something about your appearance, meaning no–harm, your unhealthy mind can take that to a level it doesn’t need to be taken to.
Disappointing your Top partner can make you obsess and overthink. Granted these things can happen at any time, but it’s a lot different when you are unfamiliar with these emotions because they have been masked by drugs or alcohol.
I know how my addict mind is ALL the time, even healthy, and I still have to catch my thinking and reason with myself and ask myself if my feelings are factual. Going into a relationship that entails, any type of verbal degradation, humiliation, pain or control is going to be a different wave of emotions and without being in a good mind place could really impact the new you, you are building in recovery. You have to love yourself again fully and that take a lot of time and work. But these rewarding, unconventional, alternative relationships we pursue are worth waiting for.
Start Slow
If you just can’t wait, at least ease yourself in. Even if you did wait, I suggest you ease yourself into this dynamic. You don’t have to be on a St. Andrews cross with a ball gag in your mouth on the first scene. Take a breath and explore one thing at a time. Don’t over stimulate yourself, because then that just fuels the obsession and overthinking.
Get to know your person. This is a big thing. Many times, being in recovery for any length of time, the excitement of the new emotions and feelings of a new relationship can take over and you may THINK you know your person, but really you don’t. If your person doesn’t know the things that are sensitive territory, they won’t know to avoid it. The idea of being with someone can be so intoxicating that you make a judgement call based on your “want” rather than what actually is.
Don’t overshare. I know that sounds oxymoronic, seeing as I just said know your person, and because I always talk about trust and communication, but let me explain. When we get sober, we are super excited about our new life, our new normal and being alive and that’s awesome. However, you don’t want to completely unzip your entire life of baggage on your first date. or night at the dungeon. Not everyone deserves to know EVERYTHING about you. The wrong person can use your secrets against you later and that can be detrimental to your sobriety. This is a very gray area. The right Domme is going to embrace everything about you and love the strength you have to fight for your life. They won’t use your past against you, they will only want to aid in your growth and you becoming the person you were always meant to be. They will be your biggest fan whether you know it or not. Make sure you know you are giving those secrets and past hurt and heartache to the right one. I am in no-way telling you to deny who you are or where you come from. I am SUGGESTING that you make sure with no doubt in your mind and heart that your new person is safe and worthy of knowing the intimate details that make you perfectly you. Also, if you dump everything on someone before they get a chance to know you, it could scare them or overwhelm them. Which is understandable. They don’t even really know you yet and you are telling them things that can be difficult for a non-addict to understand. Not that they don’t want to know you on an intimate level but hearing red flags the first time they have you tied up can be very scary and confusing for a “normal” person, especially if they have children or ties to the community. Don’t sabotage or sell yourself short with word vomit too early. Give yourself time with that person to know without a doubt in your mind our heart that they are worthy enough to listen to your experience. Because, as I do always say, these types of relationships are built on a foundation of trust and communication, give it to the right person. You are worth having the right Domme/Dom that understands you, cares for you and can handle all your bullshit.
Give your person a break
Even after being sober for a while, there is still that problem we have that lies in the space between our ears. The thinking problem. Don’t let your own obsessive thinking get in the way of your new relationship. I know many times a person will say something to me, and I analyze it, and dwell on it and bottle it up, then pop off like a bottle of champagne. I have spoken to many other people who are in recovery, and they express they do the same thing. It’s a great way to get yourself in trouble with your Top and probably not pleasurable trouble. We can’t expect non-addicts to know the fucked-up version of events we play in our head. I have to ask myself if I am being rational and if what I am thinking is factual before I start writing long texts that probably don’t make sense or talking in circles fueled by a fleeting emotion. When someone is just getting to know you and absorb the things you have shared with them, they are also learning. They are learning how to treat you, care for you, control you (in a consensual way of course), discipline you, satisfy you, dominate you, hurt you, love you and not to mention, relax and be themselves around you. If you are a walking ball of over sensitive chaos, they aren’t going to be able to fully take charge of the relationship and they may be afraid to push you as a submissive. Don’t take away from your own experience or theirs. Be open to correction, discipline and from your Top. That is what this dynamic is about. This is what you want, isn’t it? Fantasy and reality are very different. Be healthy enough to KNOW.
All Things Kink 