Before you dive head first into the world of BDSM, there are a few things you and your partner need to know.
A BDSM relationship is one of the most rewarding and fulfilling relationships a person could possibly have with another human. This type of relationship requires a great amount of trust and communication.
Whether you are dominant or submissive or undecided, communication with your partner is key. If you are already in a relationship and you and your partner are trying to spice things up, it is highly recommend that you sit down with each other and verbally exchange open and honest communication regarding each of your wants, needs and desires. Going into this with a blindfold (not the satin type) can pose many avoidable problems. If you are new to the community and meeting a partner online, it is best to let the relationship develop on a natural level, before you hop into the dungeon. I was once told “let the relationship develop organically”. Being the “eager” subbie I am, I didn’t quite understand, but I followed the guidance and in the end, everything worked out better than I could have hoped for.
If you are like me and get flustered or have anxiety verbally expressing your sexual wants and needs, you can always use the power of the pen. I found myself being much more transparent when conveying my wants and limits on paper or text, opposed to in person.
It is very important to listen as well as speak. A BDSM relationship is a two way street. Sit down and think about what turns you on and what you are interested in trying. It is good to write these things down and reflect, if you have time, if not, communicating these desires works just as well. Also, think about things that would be considered “soft limits”. A soft limit is something you are not really interested in doing, but may make an exception for the right partner. “Hard limits” are things that are completely off limits. If you are submissive and the idea of being “flogged” (being struck on the butt, thighs, butt, vagina, penis, back with a whip with many medium length leather strips) makes you squeemish, it is crucial you communicate that to your partner. The Dominant may enjoy “flogging” and if you don’t let them know that it is something you can’t handle, they may unknowingly cross a line, they don’t want to cross. The beauty of this type of relationship is that it is pleasing for both partners. If you are a Dominant and you are aroused by controlling your partners orgasm, it needs to be discussed and agreed upon prior to deprivation. One thing no-one wants to do is cause emotional damage or insecurities. Those are just a few examples of the type of conversation you and your partner need to have.
People often fail to realize, BDSM is more of an emotional and psychological stimulation than physical. I know that may sound crazy, but, think about it. The main concept of BDSM is bondage, discipline, domination, submission, sadism, and masochism. Of course the physical part is the icing on the kinky cake, but the build up is what makes it so rewarding. Your Dominant may require you to wear sexy panties everyday under your normal attire, they may include rules in your day to day living and breaking them may result in various types of punishments, You may enjoy making your submissive wear an anal plug to work, or denying them sexual relief and keeping them frustrated all day. There are no limits to your cup of BDSM tea. The only limits are the ones you and your person discuss. The mental build up is where the arousal and excitement begins. By the time you hit the sheets you will literally be cumming in your lacey knickers.
Time changes everything. Don’t be surprised if your role or wants change. Some people start off thinking they enjoy the submissive role, but they learn that really keeping someone else submissive if really what turns them on. You may not change in your role, but it will grow. The longer you are with the same partner, the deep your connection will be and the more rewarding it gets. Even if you only have a sexual relationship, there will still be an emotional and psychological connection and you need to be prepared for that. People often go into BDSM expecting just sex. That’s virtually impossible. I mean, you can, but the reward is not the same and can cause a great deal of confusion and emotional distress.
Don’t forget your safe word. In the BDSM culture a lot of times, no means yes, stop means go and so forth. To avoid any confusion and hurt, come up with a safe word, you and your partner are aware of. It is best to use the most non-erotic word possible, such as pickle, cheeseburger, dinosaur, baseball, ect. If the “scene” is getting a little too intense, you use this word to make everything end. If you are getting spanked a little too hard, if a certain use of words triggers emotional distress, or if you just feel a little uncomfortable (not in a good way) it is time to use that word. A real, authentic partner will completely understand and stop whatever they are doing and check in with you. This lifestyle is designed to push limits, not destroy them.
After you are done doing the do, check in with your partner. Provide aftercare for each other (refer to the article on aftercare). A brief rundown: aftercare is the act of showing each other empathy, compassion, and gratefulness to your partner. Aftercare can consist of anything from, giving your Dominant oral sex, cuddling, getting your submissive a glass of water after a harsh spanking, giving positive affirmations after verbal degradation. It is an act of showing your partner love. You don’t have to be in love to show affection. Its making sure your partner feels safe and valued. Even if you are practicing a 24/7 lifestyle with a spouse or a 2 time a week meetup with an Internet friend, aftercare is a valid and very important dynamic to any BDSM relationship.
It may seem like a lot, and it is, but it is worth it. BDSM takes time, practice, transparency and discipline (of course) from both partners. Don’t forget these words, safe, sane and consensual. Those words are the true foundation of BDSM.
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